Scream

Silently you are screaming. Your mind racing, thoughts become a blur. You are not sure what is reality, what is insanity.

Deeper into the darkness you tumble. Somehow you have found the deep dark pit; again.

Flailing

Gasping for air

Clawing at the walls

Your voice seems to be so far away as you try to get someone to help you out of the madness that threatens to overwhelm you.

Suddenly your mind begins to play tricks on you as your body crashes to the bottom of the pit, your mind disengages, separates from the pain in your body.

In your mind flashes of that day become a home movie from your perspective. You see all that again trying to garner a grain of knowledge.

You struggle to tell yourself that you are making much more out of what was, is.

In your mind you see them, ignoring all others around them. Friends that once meant more than family have become a distraction.

The depression quickly overtakes the anger, the desperation, the hurt.

Suddenly, through your minds eye you see that you are making a complete ass of yourself. You quickly think to your self all the ways to end the stupidity.

You constantly remind yourself that you are the reason for the sudden onset of hurt, anger and truth be told; jealousy. Jealous of what has been is no more. Jealous that your importance to that person has diminished.

You struggle to let part of that person go, to allow them the freedom to do as they please regardless of the hurt that they may cause.

Silently your fear grows, fear that they may find someone else to take your place. Fear that you will end up alone. Fear that your thoughts are following the path of what ifs'. Fear that you may actually want to abandon all that was, is & might be.

Depression settles in deeper, quickly taking over your mind, your soul. A depression so deep that it sears your soul. Making you fear that you will never find a way out, fear that you may not want to find a way out.

On that fateful day you quickly realize that for all of your planning, this was a stupid idea. You watch that person pacing, anxiously waiting for that someone to show up. When they do, you watch them disappear with out so much as a word. Without acknowledging those others as they show up with high intentions of fun, food and to visit with us.

On that fateful day, you find yourself running ragged between the groups of visitors, trying to make them feel welcome. Increasing are your feelings of abandonment, anger & hurt. Things start coming to a head when you find your self having to tell people a small lie when asked where that person was.

On that fateful day your body quickly reaches the threshold of pain, quickly becoming a major distraction. You start feeling more betrayed than ever.

All to soon the feelings start bubbling up to the surface, you become cranky. Things are becoming blown out of proportion. You try to make that person hurt as they have hurt you.

In your mind, you try to stop your behavior. To get a grip on those emotions.

You quickly become quiet, trying to sort things out in your mind; to acknowledge the pain, to put things in the proper 'light'.

As time progresses after that night, hurt, jealousy quickly add scared to the mix. Scared that you have not been in this position for a very long time. Scared that if these feelings continue you might end up leaving.

Very slowly your mind reconnects with your body. Slowly the pain comes back. Pain that quickly builds. Becoming a searing white light.

Your thoughts resume their destructive path. Silently you cry, scream. You try to put things in their perspective place. Struggle to bury those feelings of hurt. Bury the jealousy. You try to find some inner strength to smile. Every thing will be fine.

Deep down you know that things are not as they should be. You know that you must, for the sake of your relationship, push things deep down. Pretend that everything was your fault. Take responsibility for all the problems. Find some excuse to get 'over' this & move on.

Your mind wakes up to reality. Looking up you see light, hope. Very slowly you struggle to pull yourself to your feet. Find a path toward that light.

As you make your way toward the light, you look back, realizing that a part of you still lies there upon that dirt floor, curled up in a ball. You know that you must leave that part of you behind. If you turn back to retrieve it, you know that you could cause everything else to crash and burn.

So, with great sadness, you turn back toward the light and make your way into it. Still searching for peace.

A small thought forms in your mind; you wonder how many 'parts' of you can you leave behind like that? You wonder when all of this will finally take it's due payment.....

Soon.