A prayer to Death

To me, Death is the one thing that most people around me are inclined to whisper.

Very much similar when cancer was the word no one would say out loud for fear that it might either condemn that person or it was supposed to be a secret. In our current society, we have become so comfortable with a variety of words. Words that most people just ten years ago would have rather whispered, or found another word to describe the situation.

I have become uncomfortable with both the crassness, depravity, and the outright boldness of our current society. We talk about things that are best left behind our front doors, best left behind our bedroom doors and even best left in behind the exam room at our doctors' office. We talk about these things as if we were discussing the weather. So common that the impact seems to have lost its footing.

Death seems to be a very common thing lately. In my life, it is a common thing as of late. Most of my life was spent praying, hoping & looking for Death to take my hand, guide me into the next life or even to Heaven.

Now that I seem to be lost once more, questioning all that has been, is. Almost as if I were on a raft adrift in the vast ocean. Knowing that while the day seems warm, the nights become so very cold. The night not only brings the cold, with it comes the hunger, the thirst. Soon madness threatens to overtake your senses. The knowledge that you are surrounded by water and yet cannot drink becomes maddening.

For me, I have been lost in this last decade. I have been forced to re-evaluate my priorities, goals, and my beliefs. Right along side that I have been forced to re-think my stand on alot of topics, accept what most certainly has become my new future. Undoing what has been. My faith certainly tested time and again. My constant prayer these days is to let me leave this life. Let me out of the contract early as it were. I cannot keep these feelings buried any longer.

Funny thing, when I broach the subject to others that I think, hope are understanding, I end up feeling like a fool while those folks tell me that I am simply depressed. While that may be true on some level, I know what I feel. I have been dealing with depression most of my adult life. This feels much different. To me, I can think clearly, rationally, and focused on what I need to accomplish. That does not mean that I can silently pray for death. Death to take my hand like an old friend that I have not seen in such a long time. Reassuring, comforting, this friend understands, never criticizes, accepts what is, has been.

Over the last few years I have been tired, physically, emotionally, and definitely spiritually. The first two are easily remedied. Such is our world now that we can medicate and over medicate ever one that may or may not have a few problems that are needed to be dealt with. Never mind that in decades past the only options were to either talk & deal with it or to bury those pesky emotions. I am sure that there were medications for these things in the past, so was a lobotomy. We have become a society of convenience. Nothing seems to be worked out. Recently, I have become aware that even the psychiatrists have changed their roles. They now are basically a legalized drug dealer. You show up once or twice a month, they give you drugs. How much more easier can this become, pray tell?

The doctors try as they might to sell you on the 'great' things this pill, procedure, device will do for you, all the while failing to mention the obvious shortcomings, the negative, or even the nuances that are very different to each and every person that come to these things.

So suspect has my view become, I can find much more negative things than positive things in just about anything. I liken it to my becoming so desensitized towards things that really should hit me deep in my soul. So desensitized we, as a society, become that we are not really bothered by people dying. We assume that if it does not directly affect our daily lives, it does not matter.

So disgusted have I become that I fear I may go mad trying to keep from crying, screaming at the things in this world that should matter to everyone.

For me, I am now spending time looking for my way out of this life. Suicide never becomes the answer. Though, having said that, there are times during my daily life that this doesn't completely disappear from my peripheral vision. So frustrated I have become with the pain, the pain I can no longer control, feels as if it will swallow me whole with no trace left behind for others to even know that I was here.

So bad does the pain get that I call into question whether or not that this pain is real or imagined. After a night of little, restless sleep I know that there is no denying the truth; the pain is very real. My head spinning from exhaustion, emotional absence and faith that seems to be tested at just about every turn.

I cling to my faith as if it were a life raft in the ocean that I have been adrift. I cannot begin to tell you what my Lord has planned for my life. I find some reassurance in the knowledge that I would not be going through all of this if not for the lessons that I most certainly need to learn.

My soul cannot grow in service of the Lord if there are no lessons to be learned. Knowledge to be gained so that others can also grow from your experiences. Hoping that others will have an easier time with the same things that I have already gone through. Learning from my mistakes, emotions, and growth in service of the Lord.

I would feel absolutely disgraced if I could not share my lessons with others. So frustrating it becomes when I have to watch others suffering and struggling with things that they do not need to. I can only offer my help, then I must remain silent for knowledge is only part of the battle.

Getting through certain things, I must believe, helps others grow in the service of our Lord.

So ready am I to welcome the calm, reassuring hand of Death that I am trying to find the path that will lead me first to Death then to our Lord for me to explain, share and be comforted.

Explaining my choices, decisions, emotions. Explaining to my God & Mother God why I did not choose to fight in the end. Explain why I silently waited for the hand of Death to guide me into the eternal slumber.

Share the lessons that I have learned, the paths I have chosen to take, the people that I have touched and have touched my life. Share my love for God & Mother God with everyone else. Share my emotions, the full spectrum, everything tear, laughter, heartache and the deep sadness. Share the memories that I have created. Share every choice that I have made whether conscious or unconscious, every thing.

Find the comfort that seems to have eluded me my whole life. Surrounded by the love and light of God & Mother God. Find the comfort in those that have long since left this life behind.

So cynical have I become that I fear that I may not be of any use to others. So tainted have my views become I fear it becomes poison for others. I pray for guidance, for something positive to cling to. I search and search for the positive that I can only find negative. Seems like an old saying; if you do not wear sunglasses you might miss the details while blinded by the sun.


In the still of the night, my prayer to death rings loud and clear like a pristine, crystal bell chimes in the daylight on the end of a confidant hand. My prayer for death to take me by the hand, guide me into the silent slumber that my soul needs very much. Guide me to the answers that my mind needs. Lead me to my God & Mother God.