Silent Running

Sometimes I wake with a jolt.

Out into the lamp lit room I stumble from yet another dream that seems to be fading as the seconds tick by, as the breathing quiets to a normal pace, as your heart returns to its rhythm. Silently your grapple to hang on to the dream, clutching desperately to each part you catch.

Sometimes I wake with a jolt.

My arms & legs flailing madly. Sweat covers my body from the tip of my head to the tip of my toes. Somehow you know that you have been silently running - again.

Deep inside a feeling starts off as instinct, that deep pit in your gut that tells you that something is amiss. Yet for the sake of my sanity I ignore it. That feeling has started to blossom into more than a gut instinct, it makes you feel that butterflies have taken refuge in your gut. Something is really amiss.

All the while that feeling blooms, it silently seems to be running into a full fledged panic attack. For my sanity I try to quell the feeling that things are worse than they appear. Something so out of whack that you think that even the animals around you seem to know & share the same feeling.

Burying those feelings often get me into trouble. Sometimes I cannot help it. I can bury so many things at one time before they start to over flow & seep into both my conscious thoughts & haunt my dreams. Sometimes waking me with a jolt.

I often wonder how this will play out. I know that I cannot fight in the same way that I know and seem to trust. For in this situation, that will not work. I am on unsettled ground. As if I were standing on the ledge of an abyss and the ledge is turning into quick sand. I know both in my gut and bones that I will have to take the fall that I dread. For the fear and panic have been quietly replaced with uncertainty, hopelessness and a small sense of anger.

How do I proceed when there is only lies and half truths? How do I safely acknowledge what my feelings are? How do I continue when I cannot move & think when the panic & hopelessness threaten to overwhelm me? How do I plan for the future when it seems to be a distant pin point of light?

Perhaps I shall lie down in the field of clover & roses. Pray for the dawn to safely rescue me from yet another dismal dream that fades as quick as my heart beats. Pray for guidance to help with the fear and panic. Pray that the light will always make my path bright, to safely avoid those pitfalls and trenches that seem to be at every corner in my path.

Hopelessness......... Hopelessness cannot be avoided. Spinning around in circles so fast that everything is a blur. Silently I scream out in a dream. A scream that is so loud within my head that I am almost certain every one can hear the same. My tears are starting to dry up. I fear that I may not have enough left for future needs. The feeling in my gut, those butterflies are turning into a heavy stone. A stone wedged within the core of my being.

Uncertainty.......... wavering towards acceptance. The path has become deeply shadowed in spots. Uncertain as to the direction to take. Fearful of what may lie ahead. Uncertainty becomes a cold sweat popping out at my hair line, my arm pits and my crotch. The smell that accompanies the cold sweat starts to become overwhelming.

Silently I pray for death and understanding as I am silently running in my dreams. So tired now. So tired am I now that motivation seems too big a task. Daily things start to suffer, as the strain bears down on my shoulders like a boulder. What shall I do? How shall I accomplish these things that must be completed? May the good Lord above take my hand, lead me to the path of peace. Grant me sanctuary in the cold, unforgiving light of the day. A daylight so bright that I fear everyone can smell the fear. So bright that I fear my every secret will be publicly shown across my face and eyes. Like my mother when she hung out window my bedroom sheets when I wet the bed. So humiliating that I think I may never be able to overcome what has been, is.

So until that day when I can look back, breathe a sigh of relief, I will continue to have dreams that jolt me awake. Waking with a jolt, flailing my arms and legs in silent running.