Every so often, I hear about someone wishing or praying really, really hard for a sign, some thing to guide them or an answer to either a question or problem. We spend so much energy looking for some recognizable sign that most of the time we miss the larger ones that are practically smacking us in the face.
Sometimes, while we pray/wish whatever, we get our sign, answer. Sometimes it comes as something that we are not expecting. When we are aware, we end up with more questions than originally wanted answers to.
How do we make the correct choice or decision?
So we sit
we pray
we wish
we look
we anticipate
we ponder
we feel despondent
In the end, we often end up where we were had begun.
How do we translate the 'sign' that we are given? How do we begin to make the decision that might alter our lives?
Sometimes we look so hard for some small sign to give us answers. All to often we let others make decisions for us. Remember that coin toss? Heads for yes etc.
Some people are so scared to make the step forward in their lives that they either become stagnate or have made really bad choices in the past that we let others lead us down that damn primrose path.
Ever wonder what life would be like if everyone took that collective breath & charged head first into the unknown?
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
How can I stop from crying
I cannot get the thoughts to stop.
I cannot get the images to stop.
I cannot get the tears to dry.
I cannot keep my heart from breaking.
I cannot keep my eyes clouded.
I cannot keep my eyes from seeing the truth
I cannot do this anymore.
I cannot keep the charade alive anymore.
I cannot do this anymore.
I cannot go on hurting like this.
I cannot keep up the smile.
I cannot do this anymore.
I cannot get the images to stop.
I cannot get the tears to dry.
I cannot keep my heart from breaking.
I cannot keep my eyes clouded.
I cannot keep my eyes from seeing the truth
I cannot do this anymore.
I cannot keep the charade alive anymore.
I cannot do this anymore.
I cannot go on hurting like this.
I cannot keep up the smile.
I cannot do this anymore.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Life with all of it's intreging cruelties
As I ponder the proper words to lay down in this forum, I cannot help but feel a distinct level of depression. With all of the meds that I am taking, I cannot help feeling a bit hopeless.
I have made my decision about the stimulator....... after bouncing back & forth on my opinion, talking to my must trusted doctor that has just about walked this path with me for almost eight years or so. After the trial was finished, I went home feeling defeated, sad & not entirely sure of what to do. This was my last option - correction; the only option left would be a medical pump. If I was unhappy with the stimulator, this made me really unhappy.
Then, while watching television, getting back to my 'normal' routine, I noticed a few odd things. One was the pain coming back in my shoulder down to my elbow & finally into my fingers. I had forgotten all about it (the pain) while the stimulator was on. Not too mention, what ever pain I had as 'break-through' pain, all came back with a vengeance. That made up my mind for me, I will just have to live with the side affects of the implant.
This decision became both a heavy weight lifting off of my shoulders & yet also left me with a profound sense of sadness. I know that I will never be able to do the things that I enjoyed, needed to do prior to the pain levels increasing.
Now I sit with other feelings - partly ashamed of myself for self pity, partly betrayed as well as a certain feeling of abandonment.
I am a complete idiot, I get the feeling that someone out there (in the world) thinks that I might be. I can read clues, still have my senses & even if my mind might be a bit fuzzy I still can see what is going on around me.
Sometimes I have to really rely on my faith to keep me strong even when the flesh is unwilling.
Within the last three years my life has definitely seen some low spots, yesterday all of that came back into sharp focus.
I sit, ponder & try to keep up that smile for everyone else. For not for me, I would do just about anything to keep from making others sad or angry with me.
While I plaster on that fake smile, inside as well as deep inside my heart; I am faltering, a deep well of sadness, frustration, anger & hopelessness. I try to vent when & where acceptable. Though, in reality, there seems to be no safe haven in which to find solace. All too often I find that emotions tend to 'leak' out when kept bottled in to long or crammed down so far. I watch, see others react to me, thus I cannot bear to witness another's pain. Hence the smile.
During the last few weeks, I have noticed that I am developing a dangerous habit of smoking like I did in my early twenties. The ever increasing amount of pain meds. Not too mention, I have started drinking again. Something I have not done in many years.
All in effort to keep those pesky emotions at bay.
During these past weeks I have become acutely aware of the emotional scars of surgery. I have always thought that people with physical scars paid much more attention than deserved or required. However, now I understand all of that mumbo jumbo from the shrinks. Not only am I acutely aware of my surgical scar, it also brought back all of those pesky emotions that I had endured when I first entered foster care & had to explain all of my scars to everyone back then.
I am ashamed of the way my body looks. I have, for lack of a better phrase, really let myself go.
Interesting how things come full circle. It also scares the hell out of me. As a firm believer in karma, it surprises me to no end that for some thing(s) I am paying deeply. I have arrived at a conclusion internally; I will take my 'medicine' as long as it teaches me a lesson. The one caveat that seems almost always in the forefront of my brain; there is always someone who has it much worse.
A friend once told me that yes, there is almost always someone who has things much worse, BUT, never discount your pain, emotions & experiences.
When I was much younger, I had to endure explaining to others why I was in foster care. Not too mention the court ordered shrink. As a teen, I became pretty good at those walls I heard so much about in therapy. Until, my early twenties. I begun to experience what is commonly called bleed through. Apparently, those wells that appeared to be bottomless are not. I had became so proficient at burying things that things started to 'leak' out. First in the form of nightmares, then crying fits & so on. I was on the verge of a second nervous breakdown in less than five years. It was pretty scary on how much the mind can forget for the salvation. To this very day, I am still having memories that appear out of now where.
So, here I sit.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Praying.
Burying.
Crying.
Wailing.
Screaming.
Flailing.
At this point in my life, I have begun to appreciate the things that were once taken for granted. Once I had assumed that I would live forever, now, pondering the days left, the list of lessons to be learned. Preparing others for my departure, trying to let others learn from both my mistakes & lessons learned.
Until then, I will continue on this path. Some days I pray for others, to be forgiven, to be saved, to be guided, to be safe, to know the graciousness of our saviour. On other days I pray to make my pain worthwhile, to let someone gain a mustard seed of knowledge, strength.
I have made my decision about the stimulator....... after bouncing back & forth on my opinion, talking to my must trusted doctor that has just about walked this path with me for almost eight years or so. After the trial was finished, I went home feeling defeated, sad & not entirely sure of what to do. This was my last option - correction; the only option left would be a medical pump. If I was unhappy with the stimulator, this made me really unhappy.
Then, while watching television, getting back to my 'normal' routine, I noticed a few odd things. One was the pain coming back in my shoulder down to my elbow & finally into my fingers. I had forgotten all about it (the pain) while the stimulator was on. Not too mention, what ever pain I had as 'break-through' pain, all came back with a vengeance. That made up my mind for me, I will just have to live with the side affects of the implant.
This decision became both a heavy weight lifting off of my shoulders & yet also left me with a profound sense of sadness. I know that I will never be able to do the things that I enjoyed, needed to do prior to the pain levels increasing.
Now I sit with other feelings - partly ashamed of myself for self pity, partly betrayed as well as a certain feeling of abandonment.
I am a complete idiot, I get the feeling that someone out there (in the world) thinks that I might be. I can read clues, still have my senses & even if my mind might be a bit fuzzy I still can see what is going on around me.
Sometimes I have to really rely on my faith to keep me strong even when the flesh is unwilling.
Within the last three years my life has definitely seen some low spots, yesterday all of that came back into sharp focus.
I sit, ponder & try to keep up that smile for everyone else. For not for me, I would do just about anything to keep from making others sad or angry with me.
While I plaster on that fake smile, inside as well as deep inside my heart; I am faltering, a deep well of sadness, frustration, anger & hopelessness. I try to vent when & where acceptable. Though, in reality, there seems to be no safe haven in which to find solace. All too often I find that emotions tend to 'leak' out when kept bottled in to long or crammed down so far. I watch, see others react to me, thus I cannot bear to witness another's pain. Hence the smile.
During the last few weeks, I have noticed that I am developing a dangerous habit of smoking like I did in my early twenties. The ever increasing amount of pain meds. Not too mention, I have started drinking again. Something I have not done in many years.
All in effort to keep those pesky emotions at bay.
During these past weeks I have become acutely aware of the emotional scars of surgery. I have always thought that people with physical scars paid much more attention than deserved or required. However, now I understand all of that mumbo jumbo from the shrinks. Not only am I acutely aware of my surgical scar, it also brought back all of those pesky emotions that I had endured when I first entered foster care & had to explain all of my scars to everyone back then.
I am ashamed of the way my body looks. I have, for lack of a better phrase, really let myself go.
Interesting how things come full circle. It also scares the hell out of me. As a firm believer in karma, it surprises me to no end that for some thing(s) I am paying deeply. I have arrived at a conclusion internally; I will take my 'medicine' as long as it teaches me a lesson. The one caveat that seems almost always in the forefront of my brain; there is always someone who has it much worse.
A friend once told me that yes, there is almost always someone who has things much worse, BUT, never discount your pain, emotions & experiences.
When I was much younger, I had to endure explaining to others why I was in foster care. Not too mention the court ordered shrink. As a teen, I became pretty good at those walls I heard so much about in therapy. Until, my early twenties. I begun to experience what is commonly called bleed through. Apparently, those wells that appeared to be bottomless are not. I had became so proficient at burying things that things started to 'leak' out. First in the form of nightmares, then crying fits & so on. I was on the verge of a second nervous breakdown in less than five years. It was pretty scary on how much the mind can forget for the salvation. To this very day, I am still having memories that appear out of now where.
So, here I sit.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Praying.
Burying.
Crying.
Wailing.
Screaming.
Flailing.
At this point in my life, I have begun to appreciate the things that were once taken for granted. Once I had assumed that I would live forever, now, pondering the days left, the list of lessons to be learned. Preparing others for my departure, trying to let others learn from both my mistakes & lessons learned.
Until then, I will continue on this path. Some days I pray for others, to be forgiven, to be saved, to be guided, to be safe, to know the graciousness of our saviour. On other days I pray to make my pain worthwhile, to let someone gain a mustard seed of knowledge, strength.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Alice has fallen down the rabbit hole without acid
Among dumb things, among honorable things, among morons, among scholars. At some point in our lives we each arrive at a point in which we are required to make very difficult decisions. Hopefully, these points in our lives are minimal. For others however, some seem to arrive one after another. For those unlucky few, most have come to accept this as normal. Someone we all tend to turn to in times of hardship. Perhaps that person has become you, or at least know of someone in this situation.
For me, I seem to be the one members of my family tend to turn to, unless I make it clear that they are cut off. In my life I have had to make some very difficult, sometimes even horrible decisions. Alas, I have reached that pinnacle once more.
The last ten years or so, I have lived with pain in my lower back into my legs. Each year this has continued to worsen.
Within the last year I have had to make decisions to try to minimize this.
Once was a outpatient procedure, others in the form of ever increasing pills, yet another was actual surgery along with a "most comfortable" hospital stay. All in vain. All done in an attempt to minimize the levels of pain. As I am finding out, there seems to be many opinions on how to treat or lack thereof problems such as mine. Not to mention, my problem seems to be one of the most common. With only differences in degree of pain, levels (lumbar vertebrae) etc.
In my case, I tend to be one of most difficult to 'treat'. I have tried obtaining second, even third opinions.
Of those, I have only been told there was nothing that they could/would do for me. It was even suggested I make plans for care in the future. One doctor (name withheld) even told me that at least the pain will have mostly disappeared by the time I turned fifty or sixty. When pressed, this doctor explained that there will be no more discs & nerve endings to give me pain. How does someone respond to that? Flabbergasted, I left with very little said. Thinking to myself, I had to pay for THAT?
Of recent months, I have had a conversation with two doctors about this stimulator. It was explained very thoroughly. Not too mention my own research and advice from others both helping with their own research and others that have had this done.
Most of which I can sum up; either they hate or love it. Going into the test I had a pretty good idea of what to expect. One thing one should never rely on is a good idea. After going through the two hour long procedure to have this item temporarily inserted into my spinal column, it was turned on. A few of the descriptions of the feeling were described from a light tingle, gentle massage, to comparing it to sticking a 9volt battery on your tongue.
Well, my description would be along these lines; have you ever grabbed the end of a power cord touching the metal prongs while still half plugged into the outlet? Or perhaps received a jolt from an short in a cord? Well, I have, several times. This seems just like that. Coupled with that, the feeling of your legs, butt, feet, toes and back all falling asleep or perhaps that feeling when your limbs are just waking up from the state of numbness, Also, having those parts numb to the touch as well as private parts going numb. To say that it is not pleasant would be an understatement. For three days I have tried to find a 'comfortable' balance between the pain & this stimulator. Very quickly I realized that I would still have pain, no sensation of requiring the use of a restroom and on and on.
Now that this trial is almost over, I have to make a decision for my doctor. This week I have been all over the 'map' with this thing. Going from jubilation to deep depression. Earlier this week, I thought; "this doesn't seem to be so bad, perhaps I can live with these sensations." Followed by; "Whoa, this doesn't cover all the pain. I still need a backup." And finally; "This doesn't work well for me at all. I need to crank the dial up for the pain, the side affect; very difficult to walk & breathe, not too mention, trying to lay down makes the 'buzzing' escalate."
So, here I sit.....My options are down to none..... over time I have become depressed as I watch my world shrink. One day I realized that I have made changes without even noticing. The little things that we all take for granted, probably do over again without the slightest indication of the mechanics involved.
To try to reach a solid, well researched decision, I talked to the Rep who assisted in the implementation of the device, talked to physical therapy, read stories on the Internet of both the 'horror' & positive & everything in the middle. Kept a daily 'journal' of my experiment. Yet, with all of that, here I sit. I know that my options are rapidly dwindling. On one hand, I think that perhaps I should just have this installed & deal with the buzzing & numbness as well as still taking the meds. Or Do nothing, continue to deal as I had pre-test. I guess I will make a decision after the removal of said device, as well as comparing noted with my doctor. We shall see.
I am so Confused....... annoyed.......... depressed......... etc....
For me, I seem to be the one members of my family tend to turn to, unless I make it clear that they are cut off. In my life I have had to make some very difficult, sometimes even horrible decisions. Alas, I have reached that pinnacle once more.
The last ten years or so, I have lived with pain in my lower back into my legs. Each year this has continued to worsen.
Within the last year I have had to make decisions to try to minimize this.
Once was a outpatient procedure, others in the form of ever increasing pills, yet another was actual surgery along with a "most comfortable" hospital stay. All in vain. All done in an attempt to minimize the levels of pain. As I am finding out, there seems to be many opinions on how to treat or lack thereof problems such as mine. Not to mention, my problem seems to be one of the most common. With only differences in degree of pain, levels (lumbar vertebrae) etc.
In my case, I tend to be one of most difficult to 'treat'. I have tried obtaining second, even third opinions.
Of those, I have only been told there was nothing that they could/would do for me. It was even suggested I make plans for care in the future. One doctor (name withheld) even told me that at least the pain will have mostly disappeared by the time I turned fifty or sixty. When pressed, this doctor explained that there will be no more discs & nerve endings to give me pain. How does someone respond to that? Flabbergasted, I left with very little said. Thinking to myself, I had to pay for THAT?
Of recent months, I have had a conversation with two doctors about this stimulator. It was explained very thoroughly. Not too mention my own research and advice from others both helping with their own research and others that have had this done.
Most of which I can sum up; either they hate or love it. Going into the test I had a pretty good idea of what to expect. One thing one should never rely on is a good idea. After going through the two hour long procedure to have this item temporarily inserted into my spinal column, it was turned on. A few of the descriptions of the feeling were described from a light tingle, gentle massage, to comparing it to sticking a 9volt battery on your tongue.
Well, my description would be along these lines; have you ever grabbed the end of a power cord touching the metal prongs while still half plugged into the outlet? Or perhaps received a jolt from an short in a cord? Well, I have, several times. This seems just like that. Coupled with that, the feeling of your legs, butt, feet, toes and back all falling asleep or perhaps that feeling when your limbs are just waking up from the state of numbness, Also, having those parts numb to the touch as well as private parts going numb. To say that it is not pleasant would be an understatement. For three days I have tried to find a 'comfortable' balance between the pain & this stimulator. Very quickly I realized that I would still have pain, no sensation of requiring the use of a restroom and on and on.
Now that this trial is almost over, I have to make a decision for my doctor. This week I have been all over the 'map' with this thing. Going from jubilation to deep depression. Earlier this week, I thought; "this doesn't seem to be so bad, perhaps I can live with these sensations." Followed by; "Whoa, this doesn't cover all the pain. I still need a backup." And finally; "This doesn't work well for me at all. I need to crank the dial up for the pain, the side affect; very difficult to walk & breathe, not too mention, trying to lay down makes the 'buzzing' escalate."
So, here I sit.....My options are down to none..... over time I have become depressed as I watch my world shrink. One day I realized that I have made changes without even noticing. The little things that we all take for granted, probably do over again without the slightest indication of the mechanics involved.
To try to reach a solid, well researched decision, I talked to the Rep who assisted in the implementation of the device, talked to physical therapy, read stories on the Internet of both the 'horror' & positive & everything in the middle. Kept a daily 'journal' of my experiment. Yet, with all of that, here I sit. I know that my options are rapidly dwindling. On one hand, I think that perhaps I should just have this installed & deal with the buzzing & numbness as well as still taking the meds. Or Do nothing, continue to deal as I had pre-test. I guess I will make a decision after the removal of said device, as well as comparing noted with my doctor. We shall see.
I am so Confused....... annoyed.......... depressed......... etc....
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