Life with all of it's intreging cruelties

As I ponder the proper words to lay down in this forum, I cannot help but feel a distinct level of depression. With all of the meds that I am taking, I cannot help feeling a bit hopeless.



I have made my decision about the stimulator....... after bouncing back & forth on my opinion, talking to my must trusted doctor that has just about walked this path with me for almost eight years or so. After the trial was finished, I went home feeling defeated, sad & not entirely sure of what to do. This was my last option - correction; the only option left would be a medical pump. If I was unhappy with the stimulator, this made me really unhappy.



Then, while watching television, getting back to my 'normal' routine, I noticed a few odd things. One was the pain coming back in my shoulder down to my elbow & finally into my fingers. I had forgotten all about it (the pain) while the stimulator was on. Not too mention, what ever pain I had as 'break-through' pain, all came back with a vengeance. That made up my mind for me, I will just have to live with the side affects of the implant.



This decision became both a heavy weight lifting off of my shoulders & yet also left me with a profound sense of sadness. I know that I will never be able to do the things that I enjoyed, needed to do prior to the pain levels increasing.



Now I sit with other feelings - partly ashamed of myself for self pity, partly betrayed as well as a certain feeling of abandonment.



I am a complete idiot, I get the feeling that someone out there (in the world) thinks that I might be. I can read clues, still have my senses & even if my mind might be a bit fuzzy I still can see what is going on around me.



Sometimes I have to really rely on my faith to keep me strong even when the flesh is unwilling.



Within the last three years my life has definitely seen some low spots, yesterday all of that came back into sharp focus.

I sit, ponder & try to keep up that smile for everyone else. For not for me, I would do just about anything to keep from making others sad or angry with me.

While I plaster on that fake smile, inside as well as deep inside my heart; I am faltering, a deep well of sadness, frustration, anger & hopelessness. I try to vent when & where acceptable. Though, in reality, there seems to be no safe haven in which to find solace. All too often I find that emotions tend to 'leak' out when kept bottled in to long or crammed down so far. I watch, see others react to me, thus I cannot bear to witness another's pain. Hence the smile.

During the last few weeks, I have noticed that I am developing a dangerous habit of smoking like I did in my early twenties. The ever increasing amount of pain meds. Not too mention, I have started drinking again. Something I have not done in many years.

All in effort to keep those pesky emotions at bay.

During these past weeks I have become acutely aware of the emotional scars of surgery. I have always thought that people with physical scars paid much more attention than deserved or required. However, now I understand all of that mumbo jumbo from the shrinks. Not only am I acutely aware of my surgical scar, it also brought back all of those pesky emotions that I had endured when I first entered foster care & had to explain all of my scars to everyone back then.
I am ashamed of the way my body looks. I have, for lack of a better phrase, really let myself go.

Interesting how things come full circle. It also scares the hell out of me. As a firm believer in karma, it surprises me to no end that for some thing(s) I am paying deeply. I have arrived at a conclusion internally; I will take my 'medicine' as long as it teaches me a lesson. The one caveat that seems almost always in the forefront of my brain; there is always someone who has it much worse.

A friend once told me that yes, there is almost always someone who has things much worse, BUT, never discount your pain, emotions & experiences.

When I was much younger, I had to endure explaining to others why I was in foster care. Not too mention the court ordered shrink. As a teen, I became pretty good at those walls I heard so much about in therapy. Until, my early twenties. I begun to experience what is commonly called bleed through. Apparently, those wells that appeared to be bottomless are not. I had became so proficient at burying things that things started to 'leak' out. First in the form of nightmares, then crying fits & so on. I was on the verge of a second nervous breakdown in less than five years. It was pretty scary on how much the mind can forget for the salvation. To this very day, I am still having memories that appear out of now where.

So, here I sit.

Waiting.

Hoping.

Praying.

Burying.

Crying.

Wailing.

Screaming.

Flailing.

At this point in my life, I have begun to appreciate the things that were once taken for granted. Once I had assumed that I would live forever, now, pondering the days left, the list of lessons to be learned. Preparing others for my departure, trying to let others learn from both my mistakes & lessons learned.

Until then, I will continue on this path. Some days I pray for others, to be forgiven, to be saved, to be guided, to be safe, to know the graciousness of our saviour. On other days I pray to make my pain worthwhile, to let someone gain a mustard seed of knowledge, strength.