A prayer to Death

To me, Death is the one thing that most people around me are inclined to whisper.

Very much similar when cancer was the word no one would say out loud for fear that it might either condemn that person or it was supposed to be a secret. In our current society, we have become so comfortable with a variety of words. Words that most people just ten years ago would have rather whispered, or found another word to describe the situation.

I have become uncomfortable with both the crassness, depravity, and the outright boldness of our current society. We talk about things that are best left behind our front doors, best left behind our bedroom doors and even best left in behind the exam room at our doctors' office. We talk about these things as if we were discussing the weather. So common that the impact seems to have lost its footing.

Death seems to be a very common thing lately. In my life, it is a common thing as of late. Most of my life was spent praying, hoping & looking for Death to take my hand, guide me into the next life or even to Heaven.

Now that I seem to be lost once more, questioning all that has been, is. Almost as if I were on a raft adrift in the vast ocean. Knowing that while the day seems warm, the nights become so very cold. The night not only brings the cold, with it comes the hunger, the thirst. Soon madness threatens to overtake your senses. The knowledge that you are surrounded by water and yet cannot drink becomes maddening.

For me, I have been lost in this last decade. I have been forced to re-evaluate my priorities, goals, and my beliefs. Right along side that I have been forced to re-think my stand on alot of topics, accept what most certainly has become my new future. Undoing what has been. My faith certainly tested time and again. My constant prayer these days is to let me leave this life. Let me out of the contract early as it were. I cannot keep these feelings buried any longer.

Funny thing, when I broach the subject to others that I think, hope are understanding, I end up feeling like a fool while those folks tell me that I am simply depressed. While that may be true on some level, I know what I feel. I have been dealing with depression most of my adult life. This feels much different. To me, I can think clearly, rationally, and focused on what I need to accomplish. That does not mean that I can silently pray for death. Death to take my hand like an old friend that I have not seen in such a long time. Reassuring, comforting, this friend understands, never criticizes, accepts what is, has been.

Over the last few years I have been tired, physically, emotionally, and definitely spiritually. The first two are easily remedied. Such is our world now that we can medicate and over medicate ever one that may or may not have a few problems that are needed to be dealt with. Never mind that in decades past the only options were to either talk & deal with it or to bury those pesky emotions. I am sure that there were medications for these things in the past, so was a lobotomy. We have become a society of convenience. Nothing seems to be worked out. Recently, I have become aware that even the psychiatrists have changed their roles. They now are basically a legalized drug dealer. You show up once or twice a month, they give you drugs. How much more easier can this become, pray tell?

The doctors try as they might to sell you on the 'great' things this pill, procedure, device will do for you, all the while failing to mention the obvious shortcomings, the negative, or even the nuances that are very different to each and every person that come to these things.

So suspect has my view become, I can find much more negative things than positive things in just about anything. I liken it to my becoming so desensitized towards things that really should hit me deep in my soul. So desensitized we, as a society, become that we are not really bothered by people dying. We assume that if it does not directly affect our daily lives, it does not matter.

So disgusted have I become that I fear I may go mad trying to keep from crying, screaming at the things in this world that should matter to everyone.

For me, I am now spending time looking for my way out of this life. Suicide never becomes the answer. Though, having said that, there are times during my daily life that this doesn't completely disappear from my peripheral vision. So frustrated I have become with the pain, the pain I can no longer control, feels as if it will swallow me whole with no trace left behind for others to even know that I was here.

So bad does the pain get that I call into question whether or not that this pain is real or imagined. After a night of little, restless sleep I know that there is no denying the truth; the pain is very real. My head spinning from exhaustion, emotional absence and faith that seems to be tested at just about every turn.

I cling to my faith as if it were a life raft in the ocean that I have been adrift. I cannot begin to tell you what my Lord has planned for my life. I find some reassurance in the knowledge that I would not be going through all of this if not for the lessons that I most certainly need to learn.

My soul cannot grow in service of the Lord if there are no lessons to be learned. Knowledge to be gained so that others can also grow from your experiences. Hoping that others will have an easier time with the same things that I have already gone through. Learning from my mistakes, emotions, and growth in service of the Lord.

I would feel absolutely disgraced if I could not share my lessons with others. So frustrating it becomes when I have to watch others suffering and struggling with things that they do not need to. I can only offer my help, then I must remain silent for knowledge is only part of the battle.

Getting through certain things, I must believe, helps others grow in the service of our Lord.

So ready am I to welcome the calm, reassuring hand of Death that I am trying to find the path that will lead me first to Death then to our Lord for me to explain, share and be comforted.

Explaining my choices, decisions, emotions. Explaining to my God & Mother God why I did not choose to fight in the end. Explain why I silently waited for the hand of Death to guide me into the eternal slumber.

Share the lessons that I have learned, the paths I have chosen to take, the people that I have touched and have touched my life. Share my love for God & Mother God with everyone else. Share my emotions, the full spectrum, everything tear, laughter, heartache and the deep sadness. Share the memories that I have created. Share every choice that I have made whether conscious or unconscious, every thing.

Find the comfort that seems to have eluded me my whole life. Surrounded by the love and light of God & Mother God. Find the comfort in those that have long since left this life behind.

So cynical have I become that I fear that I may not be of any use to others. So tainted have my views become I fear it becomes poison for others. I pray for guidance, for something positive to cling to. I search and search for the positive that I can only find negative. Seems like an old saying; if you do not wear sunglasses you might miss the details while blinded by the sun.


In the still of the night, my prayer to death rings loud and clear like a pristine, crystal bell chimes in the daylight on the end of a confidant hand. My prayer for death to take me by the hand, guide me into the silent slumber that my soul needs very much. Guide me to the answers that my mind needs. Lead me to my God & Mother God.

Silent Running

Sometimes I wake with a jolt.

Out into the lamp lit room I stumble from yet another dream that seems to be fading as the seconds tick by, as the breathing quiets to a normal pace, as your heart returns to its rhythm. Silently your grapple to hang on to the dream, clutching desperately to each part you catch.

Sometimes I wake with a jolt.

My arms & legs flailing madly. Sweat covers my body from the tip of my head to the tip of my toes. Somehow you know that you have been silently running - again.

Deep inside a feeling starts off as instinct, that deep pit in your gut that tells you that something is amiss. Yet for the sake of my sanity I ignore it. That feeling has started to blossom into more than a gut instinct, it makes you feel that butterflies have taken refuge in your gut. Something is really amiss.

All the while that feeling blooms, it silently seems to be running into a full fledged panic attack. For my sanity I try to quell the feeling that things are worse than they appear. Something so out of whack that you think that even the animals around you seem to know & share the same feeling.

Burying those feelings often get me into trouble. Sometimes I cannot help it. I can bury so many things at one time before they start to over flow & seep into both my conscious thoughts & haunt my dreams. Sometimes waking me with a jolt.

I often wonder how this will play out. I know that I cannot fight in the same way that I know and seem to trust. For in this situation, that will not work. I am on unsettled ground. As if I were standing on the ledge of an abyss and the ledge is turning into quick sand. I know both in my gut and bones that I will have to take the fall that I dread. For the fear and panic have been quietly replaced with uncertainty, hopelessness and a small sense of anger.

How do I proceed when there is only lies and half truths? How do I safely acknowledge what my feelings are? How do I continue when I cannot move & think when the panic & hopelessness threaten to overwhelm me? How do I plan for the future when it seems to be a distant pin point of light?

Perhaps I shall lie down in the field of clover & roses. Pray for the dawn to safely rescue me from yet another dismal dream that fades as quick as my heart beats. Pray for guidance to help with the fear and panic. Pray that the light will always make my path bright, to safely avoid those pitfalls and trenches that seem to be at every corner in my path.

Hopelessness......... Hopelessness cannot be avoided. Spinning around in circles so fast that everything is a blur. Silently I scream out in a dream. A scream that is so loud within my head that I am almost certain every one can hear the same. My tears are starting to dry up. I fear that I may not have enough left for future needs. The feeling in my gut, those butterflies are turning into a heavy stone. A stone wedged within the core of my being.

Uncertainty.......... wavering towards acceptance. The path has become deeply shadowed in spots. Uncertain as to the direction to take. Fearful of what may lie ahead. Uncertainty becomes a cold sweat popping out at my hair line, my arm pits and my crotch. The smell that accompanies the cold sweat starts to become overwhelming.

Silently I pray for death and understanding as I am silently running in my dreams. So tired now. So tired am I now that motivation seems too big a task. Daily things start to suffer, as the strain bears down on my shoulders like a boulder. What shall I do? How shall I accomplish these things that must be completed? May the good Lord above take my hand, lead me to the path of peace. Grant me sanctuary in the cold, unforgiving light of the day. A daylight so bright that I fear everyone can smell the fear. So bright that I fear my every secret will be publicly shown across my face and eyes. Like my mother when she hung out window my bedroom sheets when I wet the bed. So humiliating that I think I may never be able to overcome what has been, is.

So until that day when I can look back, breathe a sigh of relief, I will continue to have dreams that jolt me awake. Waking with a jolt, flailing my arms and legs in silent running.

Scream

Silently you are screaming. Your mind racing, thoughts become a blur. You are not sure what is reality, what is insanity.

Deeper into the darkness you tumble. Somehow you have found the deep dark pit; again.

Flailing

Gasping for air

Clawing at the walls

Your voice seems to be so far away as you try to get someone to help you out of the madness that threatens to overwhelm you.

Suddenly your mind begins to play tricks on you as your body crashes to the bottom of the pit, your mind disengages, separates from the pain in your body.

In your mind flashes of that day become a home movie from your perspective. You see all that again trying to garner a grain of knowledge.

You struggle to tell yourself that you are making much more out of what was, is.

In your mind you see them, ignoring all others around them. Friends that once meant more than family have become a distraction.

The depression quickly overtakes the anger, the desperation, the hurt.

Suddenly, through your minds eye you see that you are making a complete ass of yourself. You quickly think to your self all the ways to end the stupidity.

You constantly remind yourself that you are the reason for the sudden onset of hurt, anger and truth be told; jealousy. Jealous of what has been is no more. Jealous that your importance to that person has diminished.

You struggle to let part of that person go, to allow them the freedom to do as they please regardless of the hurt that they may cause.

Silently your fear grows, fear that they may find someone else to take your place. Fear that you will end up alone. Fear that your thoughts are following the path of what ifs'. Fear that you may actually want to abandon all that was, is & might be.

Depression settles in deeper, quickly taking over your mind, your soul. A depression so deep that it sears your soul. Making you fear that you will never find a way out, fear that you may not want to find a way out.

On that fateful day you quickly realize that for all of your planning, this was a stupid idea. You watch that person pacing, anxiously waiting for that someone to show up. When they do, you watch them disappear with out so much as a word. Without acknowledging those others as they show up with high intentions of fun, food and to visit with us.

On that fateful day, you find yourself running ragged between the groups of visitors, trying to make them feel welcome. Increasing are your feelings of abandonment, anger & hurt. Things start coming to a head when you find your self having to tell people a small lie when asked where that person was.

On that fateful day your body quickly reaches the threshold of pain, quickly becoming a major distraction. You start feeling more betrayed than ever.

All to soon the feelings start bubbling up to the surface, you become cranky. Things are becoming blown out of proportion. You try to make that person hurt as they have hurt you.

In your mind, you try to stop your behavior. To get a grip on those emotions.

You quickly become quiet, trying to sort things out in your mind; to acknowledge the pain, to put things in the proper 'light'.

As time progresses after that night, hurt, jealousy quickly add scared to the mix. Scared that you have not been in this position for a very long time. Scared that if these feelings continue you might end up leaving.

Very slowly your mind reconnects with your body. Slowly the pain comes back. Pain that quickly builds. Becoming a searing white light.

Your thoughts resume their destructive path. Silently you cry, scream. You try to put things in their perspective place. Struggle to bury those feelings of hurt. Bury the jealousy. You try to find some inner strength to smile. Every thing will be fine.

Deep down you know that things are not as they should be. You know that you must, for the sake of your relationship, push things deep down. Pretend that everything was your fault. Take responsibility for all the problems. Find some excuse to get 'over' this & move on.

Your mind wakes up to reality. Looking up you see light, hope. Very slowly you struggle to pull yourself to your feet. Find a path toward that light.

As you make your way toward the light, you look back, realizing that a part of you still lies there upon that dirt floor, curled up in a ball. You know that you must leave that part of you behind. If you turn back to retrieve it, you know that you could cause everything else to crash and burn.

So, with great sadness, you turn back toward the light and make your way into it. Still searching for peace.

A small thought forms in your mind; you wonder how many 'parts' of you can you leave behind like that? You wonder when all of this will finally take it's due payment.....

Soon.