Time to flee

Often we tell ourselves that everything will work out, things will get better. Much to our dismay, things often do not get better. We often are forced to navigate a new course.

Now, here I sit. Thinking that things will finally get better. Oh how I have illusions of the way things should be. All to often I am wrong.

Forced am I to confront the very things I am in fear of, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of the unknown. Previously I had a handle on these things, sure I can be insecure at times, though, I think that it is to be expected. Now that I have had two major surgeries, these things come to the forefront & demand my attention. Starting anew & stronger than previously.

When I had my first surgery I had heard that people can develop image problems. Meaning that they do not feel attractive, less of a person than before the surgery. I balked at those thoughts, thinking that these will never happen to me. I am stronger than that. HA! Boy had I deceived myself. I went merrily down that damn primrose path thinking that I will be better than before. Than I noticed that the scars were not fading, they were bigger than I was told. Now my mind started thinking that the scars of the first surgery were like a neon sign shining it's beacon of light for all to see. Rational dictates that this is not reality. Just when I was thinking that these emotions were becoming a thing of the past, I had another surgery. This time I was told that the scars would be minimal. Never mind the machine that is not a part of my body. Every minute of every hour of every day I am reminded that I will never again be whole. I will never be as attractive as I once felt. Shame, sickness, depression all start to settle in. These things are not rational, I am well aware. How do I make love to the love of my life with these scars, machinery?

I can only look to the future, pray for guidance & accept emotional support when offered. If only I were not so damn stubborn, independent, & emotionally caged. These are the things I must accept and attempt to change. I feel as if every action, emotion or physical will be scrutinized. That I must live up to my 'share' of things, to make up for lost time as it were.

These past ten years have really been both a struggle & a balancing act. Hit with quite a few major things early into these past ten years, knowing that I had to be strong for others to lean on, clean up the mess as it were. Just when I thought that things were on the upswing, WHAM! another mess to deal with, again & again this happens. So continues the path of life that has become all to familiar for me in this life.

From an early age, I have been forced in one way or another to change my direction. Learning to overcome the fear. Learning how to bury things so deep that it appears I am emotionless. Building barriers to barricade those feelings, keep them from stumbling to the surface. I have learned the hard truth; I need to be the one person that is strong for everyone else. Time and again this has been proven to me through the actions and words of others.

When the time is right, I will know deep within the core of my being, then and only then will I hold my head high and acknowledge that it will be time to flee.