Hopelessness washes over the body; like rain in the spring; at first, a few drops land on your head, then those drop land on your arms. A sprinkle quickly turns to a steady down pour.
At first the rain feels good, cleansing. All too quickly you are getting soaked from head to toe, a chill sets in racing to steal the very warmth from your bones, making your teeth chatter and you run for cover.
Hopelessness washes over the body, quickly stealing your sense of confidence, causing you to question all that is, has been & yet too come.
Hopelessness washes over the body, forcing you to feel overwhelmed, spinning out of control, as if you had any control prior to this.
Into the darkness you fall, faster & faster, reaching, grasping for anything to stop the free fall, reaching for any hope, guidance to the light.
Cursing all the good in the world, all the bad.
Crashing into the bottomless pit, awash in self pity, awash in guilt. How could this have happened? What can I do to stop this madness?
All you can do is lie on the bottom looking up, around & down at your body; MOVE NOW your mind screams. Your mind grappling for control, balance.
Crying, screaming into the eternal darkness, thrashing, bashing against the hidden barriers that confine you.
Your voice going hoarse, your flesh quivering, goose bumps rise in the darkness & look to consume your flesh from head to toe.
As you lie in the bottomless pit, your voice gone, the shouts long since having faded, your fists bloodied, the flesh of your heels having been ripped away in anguish & torment.
Hopelessness begins to devour the unconsumed flesh, your tears have long since dried, the dry heaves having finally quieted.
Very quietly you lie there, frozen in place, unable to move. Your heart thundering so loud that it threatens to deafen you. Your mind finally accepting what is, has been, & to come.
Your mind finally accepting the darkness, the sense of hopelessness.
Very quietly you hear a whisper, almost so soft at first you think that your mind is rapidly losing what ground it has left.
The whisper grows louder, your heart seems to stop in anticipation. Your flesh grows quiet, your breathing grows shallow.
The whisper continues to grow loud, "What is that I hear?" "Whose voice do I hear?"
Finally the whisper has become a shout, so loud that you fear it will continue to bounce off of the dark barriers that threaten to contain you forever.
All to soon, you turn your head, at first to the left, then to the right. Confusion settles in, the direction of the voice is unknown, yet all around.
You finally manage a very hoarse scream, all to soon the voice stops, the darkness quickly rushes in to reclaim it's prize.
Your mind accepting that the voice was only an hallucination, it was not real.
Hopelessness washes over your body once more.
Your eyes begin to close, your body curling up tighter & tighter into a ball. You want to make your self so small that you will never be hurt or make those mistakes again.
Your breathing begins to slow, your heart seems to slow. So slow have these become that you fear you may never hear those sounds again.
Your mind, finished playing tricks, starts to accept what your will tells it.
You begin to accept & find comfort in the darkness.
You find your self welcoming it, the eternal darkness. Quietly you move your arms outward as if to welcome it, the eternal darkness into your arms.
Somewhere it occurs to you that there was help all along, this did not have to happen like this.
That voice was your saviour, trying to help you, trying to give you another way out.
So quietly you mentally brush these thoughts aside and take that final step outside your body.
Never once looking back.
Never caring anymore.
No more tears
No more pain
No more hurting others
No more haunting memories
No more emotions
No more thrashing
No more, No more, No more.
It is done.
Finally
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Time to flee
Often we tell ourselves that everything will work out, things will get better. Much to our dismay, things often do not get better. We often are forced to navigate a new course.
Now, here I sit. Thinking that things will finally get better. Oh how I have illusions of the way things should be. All to often I am wrong.
Forced am I to confront the very things I am in fear of, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of the unknown. Previously I had a handle on these things, sure I can be insecure at times, though, I think that it is to be expected. Now that I have had two major surgeries, these things come to the forefront & demand my attention. Starting anew & stronger than previously.
When I had my first surgery I had heard that people can develop image problems. Meaning that they do not feel attractive, less of a person than before the surgery. I balked at those thoughts, thinking that these will never happen to me. I am stronger than that. HA! Boy had I deceived myself. I went merrily down that damn primrose path thinking that I will be better than before. Than I noticed that the scars were not fading, they were bigger than I was told. Now my mind started thinking that the scars of the first surgery were like a neon sign shining it's beacon of light for all to see. Rational dictates that this is not reality. Just when I was thinking that these emotions were becoming a thing of the past, I had another surgery. This time I was told that the scars would be minimal. Never mind the machine that is not a part of my body. Every minute of every hour of every day I am reminded that I will never again be whole. I will never be as attractive as I once felt. Shame, sickness, depression all start to settle in. These things are not rational, I am well aware. How do I make love to the love of my life with these scars, machinery?
I can only look to the future, pray for guidance & accept emotional support when offered. If only I were not so damn stubborn, independent, & emotionally caged. These are the things I must accept and attempt to change. I feel as if every action, emotion or physical will be scrutinized. That I must live up to my 'share' of things, to make up for lost time as it were.
These past ten years have really been both a struggle & a balancing act. Hit with quite a few major things early into these past ten years, knowing that I had to be strong for others to lean on, clean up the mess as it were. Just when I thought that things were on the upswing, WHAM! another mess to deal with, again & again this happens. So continues the path of life that has become all to familiar for me in this life.
From an early age, I have been forced in one way or another to change my direction. Learning to overcome the fear. Learning how to bury things so deep that it appears I am emotionless. Building barriers to barricade those feelings, keep them from stumbling to the surface. I have learned the hard truth; I need to be the one person that is strong for everyone else. Time and again this has been proven to me through the actions and words of others.
When the time is right, I will know deep within the core of my being, then and only then will I hold my head high and acknowledge that it will be time to flee.
Now, here I sit. Thinking that things will finally get better. Oh how I have illusions of the way things should be. All to often I am wrong.
Forced am I to confront the very things I am in fear of, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of the unknown. Previously I had a handle on these things, sure I can be insecure at times, though, I think that it is to be expected. Now that I have had two major surgeries, these things come to the forefront & demand my attention. Starting anew & stronger than previously.
When I had my first surgery I had heard that people can develop image problems. Meaning that they do not feel attractive, less of a person than before the surgery. I balked at those thoughts, thinking that these will never happen to me. I am stronger than that. HA! Boy had I deceived myself. I went merrily down that damn primrose path thinking that I will be better than before. Than I noticed that the scars were not fading, they were bigger than I was told. Now my mind started thinking that the scars of the first surgery were like a neon sign shining it's beacon of light for all to see. Rational dictates that this is not reality. Just when I was thinking that these emotions were becoming a thing of the past, I had another surgery. This time I was told that the scars would be minimal. Never mind the machine that is not a part of my body. Every minute of every hour of every day I am reminded that I will never again be whole. I will never be as attractive as I once felt. Shame, sickness, depression all start to settle in. These things are not rational, I am well aware. How do I make love to the love of my life with these scars, machinery?
I can only look to the future, pray for guidance & accept emotional support when offered. If only I were not so damn stubborn, independent, & emotionally caged. These are the things I must accept and attempt to change. I feel as if every action, emotion or physical will be scrutinized. That I must live up to my 'share' of things, to make up for lost time as it were.
These past ten years have really been both a struggle & a balancing act. Hit with quite a few major things early into these past ten years, knowing that I had to be strong for others to lean on, clean up the mess as it were. Just when I thought that things were on the upswing, WHAM! another mess to deal with, again & again this happens. So continues the path of life that has become all to familiar for me in this life.
From an early age, I have been forced in one way or another to change my direction. Learning to overcome the fear. Learning how to bury things so deep that it appears I am emotionless. Building barriers to barricade those feelings, keep them from stumbling to the surface. I have learned the hard truth; I need to be the one person that is strong for everyone else. Time and again this has been proven to me through the actions and words of others.
When the time is right, I will know deep within the core of my being, then and only then will I hold my head high and acknowledge that it will be time to flee.
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