To start with an immediate review of the last year, personal highs and lows, would be a bit self indulgent. So lets start with a few items that I recall from the world around me.
This may bounce around a bit, my memory has decided to filter items deemed not necessarily important.
We are still in a war that seems to have more casualties than any sort of victories. Personally, I don't care about the war, we might have had good reasons to commence war with another country, However, we are spending more & more money to finance this as well as the human toll this has taken. I realize that we might not be hearing all of the truths with regard to this, though, from what I have seen from other countries with regards to reports and updates on this war, tends to put this war in a dismal light. We as a country need to get our troops home, figure out a way to end or extricate ourselves from this war - safely.
Interestingly enough, on the eve of the start of this war, Dixie Chicks made derogatory comments on a stage in London with regards to this war and our President. Needless to say, they were shunned, banned from radio stations, even had death threats made against them and their families. True, they should not have said those things, especially on foreign soil. However, some of those remarks proved prophetic. Yet, they are still shunned.
Enough, I could ramble on for a bit more, yet will spare ya'll more of the same.
We lost Evel Knievel, Pavarotti, Banazir Bhutto, Dan Fogelberg, Ike Turner, Norman Mailer, Hank Thompson, Kevin Dubrow, Joey Bishop, Leona Helmsley, Tammy Faye Messner, Don Ho... To name a few....
Other events in this year: Minneapolis bridge collapse, several shootings, Al Gore won the peace prize, Smart cars introduced in the United States..... among others.
Interesting how the mind automatically focuses on the negative events of life, it would appear that the news and papers point out these horrors as if they were common occurrences, they filter and sanitize various stories to grab the audience, pull them in, and leaving them wanting more. It is often refreshing to read stories about positive, life affirming things. Alas, these are so few and far between.
This year in my life has been one of growing, pain, happiness, etc etc.. blah blah blah!
Lets cut to the chase, this year pretty much sucked, I try to focus on the positive aspects, wring as much as I can out of those few and far between happy times.
I started this year working in a completely different field, one that would be light years from anything I had ever done prior. I started working in a school, in April, with second graders. This wasn't too bad, actually kind of fun when the politics were not to intense.
This year my back pain ramped up a few more notches. Tried to find alternative options, found out that there really isn't a whole lot anyone can do. The steroid mix injections are failing, the pain pills don't always work. Other meds make me sick. Running around chasing children have exasperated my condition exponentially. I was forced to leave the job at the school partly due to my back and pain levels were getting completely out of control.
In March, we lost my two cats. One had lived with me for almost twenty years, the other about eight. I have never experienced that intense level of grief in my adult life. For the sake of others and my sanity, I did not allow myself to indulge in these feelings, I did what came naturally to me in my life, a lesson learned many years ago; I buried the pain, the mess of emotions.
I have been blessed with many friends this year, good, true people that have blessed me with their friendships.
I have met new people and am happy to be able to call them friends. My friendships from previous years have strengthened and are considered my surrogate family.
My partner and I have celebrated our eleventh year! quite a feat for us. We are sooo the old married couple now! I am enjoying every minute of it.
I am looking forward to a new year, rife with potential. New friends, another year older (gulp!), new possibilities.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
A life time ago
Recently, I was emailed several pictures of times long, long gone. Funny how time flies.
I sit and look at those pictures, trying to recall the events, perhaps the mood, or even the emotion of myself at the time.
The truth is, for the most part I cannot.
To me this seems sad and yet pleasing that I cannot recall. Those times are gone, or so I thought.
As I look at those pictures I am reminded of those that have gone on before myself, I feel the grief for some that seems still as fresh as it was then. Granted, for some of those the grief was immature, naive, childish.
For as mature as I was in most ways, I did not understand death nor did I understand that the way that I grew up was definitely not how others lived. I comfort myself with the knowledge that the reason I cannot recall was a blessing of memory or the lack thereof.
Yes, surviving my childhood was a miracle. One that I try not too take for granted too often, I may not be the most active person, the most outgoing, nor the most happiest person in all the world. There are, however, others that were and are in worse shape than I was and am in. One fact that certainly does not escape me on a daily basis.
Lately, certain events in my life have forced me to replay parts of my life, wondering if perhaps that I made the correct choices, chosen the paths that I did. You know what? I realized that yes, for me, those where the choices that needed to be made at the time. I have no real regrets. I guess my only real regret would be a conflicted one that I have had for a few years now...... my choice not to have children.
I think that I have made the correct choice..... though the conflict continues.
It's funny how a scare can force you to look at things.... wonder if your ready to move on from this life. Perhaps ready to atone for those choices, make peace with this life.
Yes, I recently had a big cancer scare...... funny, it doesn't look so scary once it's out there, while the process and speed in which things happen certainly tend to be scary. I think that I am ready for what ever God has in store for me. My only real worry would be for those that I leave behind, mainly my partner. I believe that scares me the most, leaving them alone to go through the loss. That almost sounds conceited doesn't it? I worry not for me only those left in the wake of the mess that I may make. This sounds funny, I would, on the one hand rather that he goes before me so that I can spare him the pain, while on the other hand, I want him to outlive me so that I wouldn't have to face this world with out me.
When I was a teenager I used to say that they would have to take me out kicking and screaming... well, I am not so sure that would be true any further. Perhaps there would be some sort of bargaining on my part, some arguing. I think though, in the end, I would take the hand held out to me and take that final walk.
It is interesting that I now, because of my work, I recall those times as a teenager. One of the biggest things that I used to say was I would never become an adult or at the very least, talk like one. When did I become the very thing I didn't want to? and why am I so complacent about these things? I have come to realize that even though I don't necessarily feel grown up, I certainly act like one sometimes.
Thank you for letting me vent - sometimes it is easier to think when you spill it all out there in a semi private forum.
I sit and look at those pictures, trying to recall the events, perhaps the mood, or even the emotion of myself at the time.
The truth is, for the most part I cannot.
To me this seems sad and yet pleasing that I cannot recall. Those times are gone, or so I thought.
As I look at those pictures I am reminded of those that have gone on before myself, I feel the grief for some that seems still as fresh as it was then. Granted, for some of those the grief was immature, naive, childish.
For as mature as I was in most ways, I did not understand death nor did I understand that the way that I grew up was definitely not how others lived. I comfort myself with the knowledge that the reason I cannot recall was a blessing of memory or the lack thereof.
Yes, surviving my childhood was a miracle. One that I try not too take for granted too often, I may not be the most active person, the most outgoing, nor the most happiest person in all the world. There are, however, others that were and are in worse shape than I was and am in. One fact that certainly does not escape me on a daily basis.
Lately, certain events in my life have forced me to replay parts of my life, wondering if perhaps that I made the correct choices, chosen the paths that I did. You know what? I realized that yes, for me, those where the choices that needed to be made at the time. I have no real regrets. I guess my only real regret would be a conflicted one that I have had for a few years now...... my choice not to have children.
I think that I have made the correct choice..... though the conflict continues.
It's funny how a scare can force you to look at things.... wonder if your ready to move on from this life. Perhaps ready to atone for those choices, make peace with this life.
Yes, I recently had a big cancer scare...... funny, it doesn't look so scary once it's out there, while the process and speed in which things happen certainly tend to be scary. I think that I am ready for what ever God has in store for me. My only real worry would be for those that I leave behind, mainly my partner. I believe that scares me the most, leaving them alone to go through the loss. That almost sounds conceited doesn't it? I worry not for me only those left in the wake of the mess that I may make. This sounds funny, I would, on the one hand rather that he goes before me so that I can spare him the pain, while on the other hand, I want him to outlive me so that I wouldn't have to face this world with out me.
When I was a teenager I used to say that they would have to take me out kicking and screaming... well, I am not so sure that would be true any further. Perhaps there would be some sort of bargaining on my part, some arguing. I think though, in the end, I would take the hand held out to me and take that final walk.
It is interesting that I now, because of my work, I recall those times as a teenager. One of the biggest things that I used to say was I would never become an adult or at the very least, talk like one. When did I become the very thing I didn't want to? and why am I so complacent about these things? I have come to realize that even though I don't necessarily feel grown up, I certainly act like one sometimes.
Thank you for letting me vent - sometimes it is easier to think when you spill it all out there in a semi private forum.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Gays and the media, Gay marriage, Part I
Lately there have been lots of media coverage with regards to politicians arrested for "misconducts" in the mens restrooms.
Generally, in my reading and opinions, these are the very individuals that are screaming the loudest with regards to banning gay marriage, civil unions. These are the very people that are the biggest discriminators against the gay community, yet the number of arrests for lewd acts or propositioning under cover cops in public bathrooms. These politicians want to ignore the fact that unless homosexual individuals go out of their way to ensure that their wishes are granted, partner visiting them in the hospital, make medical emergency decisions, file their partners taxes, ensure that their estate goes to the surviving partner etc. Those wishes go unheeded and either the state collects the entire estate (as is generally the rule) or to the next of kin whomever that might be.
Never mind the increased penalties and taxes that surviving partners pay on an estate from the deceased. The state and federal collect huge sums of money from these estates. Sometimes as much as eighteen to twenty percent in some cases.
Now, correct me if I am incorrect, shouldn't these folks tread lightly and talk even softer?
This whole federal and state ban on gay marriages and or civil unions are about thirty years too late, meaning: these folks have no business trying to force their opinions on us as well as making these unions illegal both at federal and state level. If anything both (state, federal) need to stay out of this or find another solution for the gay community to get the rights that they are entitled to and yet are denied.
Yes, I will concede that there are quite a few folks out there who, in all honesty, think that gays should be second class citizens, there are more individuals out there that think that all gays should be killed on sight - their excuse? God wants it that way......... hhhhmmmmmm, wonder if he told them that personally ....... I would have to assume that they are completely with out sin, never lied, stolen, ate shell fish, swore, etc etc etc.
While still, there are a growing number of individuals that accept gays for who they are but do not agree with these unions...... it impacts their marriage....... somehow.
After reading, chatting with folks from a wide range of opinions, I come away from this both more confused and yet almost scared at the hatred that flows from some of these individuals.
I think that I am starting to understand most everyones point of view with regards to these matters..... however, no one will tell me exactly how it will impact their marriages, day to day lives, their work or their families. (unless someone in their family is a homosexual). To this day, I have not had an answer other than it's against God, the bible says that it is an abomination.
It never seems to amaze me what people are capable of. Those that use the bible as a shield, make partial quotes that fit their argument, lament when they are asked to explain in further detail or even suggest that they might be incorrect.
To those that quote the bible as if it has been handed directly to them from God himself, they almost never stray from their stance. Will not listen to another argument, side, whatever. As if they had blinders on - similar to those that the horses wear while on the public streets so that they won't be spooked. These folks need to WAKE up, listen for a change. Perhaps someone might have a valid point without hiding behind their bibles.
More on this later.
Generally, in my reading and opinions, these are the very individuals that are screaming the loudest with regards to banning gay marriage, civil unions. These are the very people that are the biggest discriminators against the gay community, yet the number of arrests for lewd acts or propositioning under cover cops in public bathrooms. These politicians want to ignore the fact that unless homosexual individuals go out of their way to ensure that their wishes are granted, partner visiting them in the hospital, make medical emergency decisions, file their partners taxes, ensure that their estate goes to the surviving partner etc. Those wishes go unheeded and either the state collects the entire estate (as is generally the rule) or to the next of kin whomever that might be.
Never mind the increased penalties and taxes that surviving partners pay on an estate from the deceased. The state and federal collect huge sums of money from these estates. Sometimes as much as eighteen to twenty percent in some cases.
Now, correct me if I am incorrect, shouldn't these folks tread lightly and talk even softer?
This whole federal and state ban on gay marriages and or civil unions are about thirty years too late, meaning: these folks have no business trying to force their opinions on us as well as making these unions illegal both at federal and state level. If anything both (state, federal) need to stay out of this or find another solution for the gay community to get the rights that they are entitled to and yet are denied.
Yes, I will concede that there are quite a few folks out there who, in all honesty, think that gays should be second class citizens, there are more individuals out there that think that all gays should be killed on sight - their excuse? God wants it that way......... hhhhmmmmmm, wonder if he told them that personally ....... I would have to assume that they are completely with out sin, never lied, stolen, ate shell fish, swore, etc etc etc.
While still, there are a growing number of individuals that accept gays for who they are but do not agree with these unions...... it impacts their marriage....... somehow.
After reading, chatting with folks from a wide range of opinions, I come away from this both more confused and yet almost scared at the hatred that flows from some of these individuals.
I think that I am starting to understand most everyones point of view with regards to these matters..... however, no one will tell me exactly how it will impact their marriages, day to day lives, their work or their families. (unless someone in their family is a homosexual). To this day, I have not had an answer other than it's against God, the bible says that it is an abomination.
It never seems to amaze me what people are capable of. Those that use the bible as a shield, make partial quotes that fit their argument, lament when they are asked to explain in further detail or even suggest that they might be incorrect.
To those that quote the bible as if it has been handed directly to them from God himself, they almost never stray from their stance. Will not listen to another argument, side, whatever. As if they had blinders on - similar to those that the horses wear while on the public streets so that they won't be spooked. These folks need to WAKE up, listen for a change. Perhaps someone might have a valid point without hiding behind their bibles.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Dogs among us
Today there is an article with regards to yet another Pitt Bull attack.
While these stories tend to put fear into the hearts and minds of those that either are ignorant or extremely prejudiced, Everyone needs to stop, take a look at the animals that are among those that are considered dangerous.
Pitt Bulls are the street names - Staffordshire Terrier is the actual name. While these dogs are protectors, strong, and often stubborn, they, in the proper hands, make a wonderful pet.
Now, I have been told many times that I should have my boy destroyed simply because someone has fears that are based partly upon fear and partly upon prejudice. Yes, my boy bit another dog when he was eight months old, no denying the fact. Though the fact of the matter it was a scratch and we paid all the vet bills - something like seventy five dollars to have an emergency appointment plus iodine flush, all the while I was paying the bill the vet, tech and receptionist kept telling me that I was an idiot for having this dog, if they had their way I should be sued and the dog destroyed. All because another dog came up, jumped on me while I was holding my dog in my arms. I told those people where they could shove their opinion and if they wanted to sue me - bring it on.
Prior to that though, people at that particular park watched my boy grow from a eight week old puppy to a nine month old boy - yes he grew large and to some, looked scary. Such was the prejudice that when we would show up, my other dog (shepard mix) and my boy people would grab their children and dogs and leave. What a nice reception for a couple of puppies.
THIS IS THE ATTITUDE that I am referring to, people see these types of dogs and flee.
Not all people do this though, they are either true animal lovers, people whom are not afraid or those that generally have no preconception either way. Then we get to those bastards that breed and fight these poor dogs. These are the dogs that need to be put down, while their owners rot in prison for animal abuse, neglect among other things.
I have absolutely no patients or sympathy for those bastards out there that mistreat, abuse, fight or whatever ill will towards animals. They are the ones that tie up their dogs out side all year long, beat them when they bark, let their cats run around terrorizing the neighborhood and yell and scream when their animal get hit by a car or gets taken away by the spca people. These people, doesn't matter whether its male, female, white black or other there are just as many out there to pick up the tethers when one gets hauled off to jail for abusing their animals.
People need to wake up, do their research about a specific breed the potential risks inherent with that particular breed and make a sound desicion based upon the desires of their families and what will fit in best with them.
Yes, those animals that were fought should be humanly put down, those animals that are mean whether it be a Poodle or a GreatDane - doesn't matter, if they cannot be rehabilitated then they need to be humanely put down. There are far too many dogs that are readopted out to families or given away with no history or very little information about where they came from.
The public needs to stop buying animals from puppy mills, go to the local shelter, rescue a dog or cat or whatever. Any animal that you choose to bring into your home, you assume the risks.
Just like you assume the vet bills for checkups, you should also assume that there might be a dog bite or two in the future.
While these stories tend to put fear into the hearts and minds of those that either are ignorant or extremely prejudiced, Everyone needs to stop, take a look at the animals that are among those that are considered dangerous.
Pitt Bulls are the street names - Staffordshire Terrier is the actual name. While these dogs are protectors, strong, and often stubborn, they, in the proper hands, make a wonderful pet.
Now, I have been told many times that I should have my boy destroyed simply because someone has fears that are based partly upon fear and partly upon prejudice. Yes, my boy bit another dog when he was eight months old, no denying the fact. Though the fact of the matter it was a scratch and we paid all the vet bills - something like seventy five dollars to have an emergency appointment plus iodine flush, all the while I was paying the bill the vet, tech and receptionist kept telling me that I was an idiot for having this dog, if they had their way I should be sued and the dog destroyed. All because another dog came up, jumped on me while I was holding my dog in my arms. I told those people where they could shove their opinion and if they wanted to sue me - bring it on.
Prior to that though, people at that particular park watched my boy grow from a eight week old puppy to a nine month old boy - yes he grew large and to some, looked scary. Such was the prejudice that when we would show up, my other dog (shepard mix) and my boy people would grab their children and dogs and leave. What a nice reception for a couple of puppies.
THIS IS THE ATTITUDE that I am referring to, people see these types of dogs and flee.
Not all people do this though, they are either true animal lovers, people whom are not afraid or those that generally have no preconception either way. Then we get to those bastards that breed and fight these poor dogs. These are the dogs that need to be put down, while their owners rot in prison for animal abuse, neglect among other things.
I have absolutely no patients or sympathy for those bastards out there that mistreat, abuse, fight or whatever ill will towards animals. They are the ones that tie up their dogs out side all year long, beat them when they bark, let their cats run around terrorizing the neighborhood and yell and scream when their animal get hit by a car or gets taken away by the spca people. These people, doesn't matter whether its male, female, white black or other there are just as many out there to pick up the tethers when one gets hauled off to jail for abusing their animals.
People need to wake up, do their research about a specific breed the potential risks inherent with that particular breed and make a sound desicion based upon the desires of their families and what will fit in best with them.
Yes, those animals that were fought should be humanly put down, those animals that are mean whether it be a Poodle or a GreatDane - doesn't matter, if they cannot be rehabilitated then they need to be humanely put down. There are far too many dogs that are readopted out to families or given away with no history or very little information about where they came from.
The public needs to stop buying animals from puppy mills, go to the local shelter, rescue a dog or cat or whatever. Any animal that you choose to bring into your home, you assume the risks.
Just like you assume the vet bills for checkups, you should also assume that there might be a dog bite or two in the future.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Lessons Learned
There are many lessons in this life that need to be learned. How one goes about this, seems entirely arbitrary. In my life I have always taken the road less traveled. Lessons in life have always come to be difficult.
It pains me when I see others going in the same direction that I went through and not able to help with knowledge that I have obtained.
One of the most obvious lessons that I have learned in my long life: One is not always as strong as they think they are. Why does it always have to be one person in the family that everyone else turns to either in times of tragedy, for advice, money, or for what ever.... I have a love hate relationship with this role. While being needed can seem nice, even wonderful at times, there will always be a price for this. That price, I have found, Tends to be steep. As a result, I now have very strained relationships with what's left of my family. I no longer talk to my mother, though the latter will rarely trouble me.
I say rarely if only for one reason: sometimes I miss the thought of having a mother. The Song by Kellie Pickler: I wonder, seems to tap into this reserve of misery that I cannot seem to shed no matter how far I try to bury it. (Make the song about a boy, rather than a girl.)
Another lesson that I learned the hard way: God always provides unto us what we need. Nothing more, nothing less. Sure we would like to have more, some pray for relief, while others pray for various other reasons. Every one, whether we like it or not, have lessons to be learned in this life. God always makes sure that we learn what we need to, when we need to. I am a stubborn person, impatient would be an understatement at times in my life. I generally take charge when I see that no one either can or willing.
Patience will always be something that I will need to work on, I truly believe that God gave me this last job to teach me patience, acceptance and to remind me that things are not as bad nor as hopeless as we may think.
Keep your hearts & minds open - there's probably someone willing to teach you something that they have already learned. After all, you do not need to recreate the wheel.
Always Leave things/something better than you found it.
It pains me when I see others going in the same direction that I went through and not able to help with knowledge that I have obtained.
One of the most obvious lessons that I have learned in my long life: One is not always as strong as they think they are. Why does it always have to be one person in the family that everyone else turns to either in times of tragedy, for advice, money, or for what ever.... I have a love hate relationship with this role. While being needed can seem nice, even wonderful at times, there will always be a price for this. That price, I have found, Tends to be steep. As a result, I now have very strained relationships with what's left of my family. I no longer talk to my mother, though the latter will rarely trouble me.
I say rarely if only for one reason: sometimes I miss the thought of having a mother. The Song by Kellie Pickler: I wonder, seems to tap into this reserve of misery that I cannot seem to shed no matter how far I try to bury it. (Make the song about a boy, rather than a girl.)
Another lesson that I learned the hard way: God always provides unto us what we need. Nothing more, nothing less. Sure we would like to have more, some pray for relief, while others pray for various other reasons. Every one, whether we like it or not, have lessons to be learned in this life. God always makes sure that we learn what we need to, when we need to. I am a stubborn person, impatient would be an understatement at times in my life. I generally take charge when I see that no one either can or willing.
Patience will always be something that I will need to work on, I truly believe that God gave me this last job to teach me patience, acceptance and to remind me that things are not as bad nor as hopeless as we may think.
Keep your hearts & minds open - there's probably someone willing to teach you something that they have already learned. After all, you do not need to recreate the wheel.
Always Leave things/something better than you found it.
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