A life time ago

Recently, I was emailed several pictures of times long, long gone. Funny how time flies.

I sit and look at those pictures, trying to recall the events, perhaps the mood, or even the emotion of myself at the time.

The truth is, for the most part I cannot.

To me this seems sad and yet pleasing that I cannot recall. Those times are gone, or so I thought.

As I look at those pictures I am reminded of those that have gone on before myself, I feel the grief for some that seems still as fresh as it was then. Granted, for some of those the grief was immature, naive, childish.
For as mature as I was in most ways, I did not understand death nor did I understand that the way that I grew up was definitely not how others lived. I comfort myself with the knowledge that the reason I cannot recall was a blessing of memory or the lack thereof.

Yes, surviving my childhood was a miracle. One that I try not too take for granted too often, I may not be the most active person, the most outgoing, nor the most happiest person in all the world. There are, however, others that were and are in worse shape than I was and am in. One fact that certainly does not escape me on a daily basis.

Lately, certain events in my life have forced me to replay parts of my life, wondering if perhaps that I made the correct choices, chosen the paths that I did. You know what? I realized that yes, for me, those where the choices that needed to be made at the time. I have no real regrets. I guess my only real regret would be a conflicted one that I have had for a few years now...... my choice not to have children.

I think that I have made the correct choice..... though the conflict continues.

It's funny how a scare can force you to look at things.... wonder if your ready to move on from this life. Perhaps ready to atone for those choices, make peace with this life.
Yes, I recently had a big cancer scare...... funny, it doesn't look so scary once it's out there, while the process and speed in which things happen certainly tend to be scary. I think that I am ready for what ever God has in store for me. My only real worry would be for those that I leave behind, mainly my partner. I believe that scares me the most, leaving them alone to go through the loss. That almost sounds conceited doesn't it? I worry not for me only those left in the wake of the mess that I may make. This sounds funny, I would, on the one hand rather that he goes before me so that I can spare him the pain, while on the other hand, I want him to outlive me so that I wouldn't have to face this world with out me.

When I was a teenager I used to say that they would have to take me out kicking and screaming... well, I am not so sure that would be true any further. Perhaps there would be some sort of bargaining on my part, some arguing. I think though, in the end, I would take the hand held out to me and take that final walk.

It is interesting that I now, because of my work, I recall those times as a teenager. One of the biggest things that I used to say was I would never become an adult or at the very least, talk like one. When did I become the very thing I didn't want to? and why am I so complacent about these things? I have come to realize that even though I don't necessarily feel grown up, I certainly act like one sometimes.

Thank you for letting me vent - sometimes it is easier to think when you spill it all out there in a semi private forum.