Current Events Part II

On my last entry I mentioned that I would keep this updated as to my progress (or lack thereof) of quiting smoking;

Well, today would count as day two, so far I have recovered from yesterdays horrible withdrawal symptoms. I ended up smoking a total of seven cigarettes yesterday. Today, I have smoked six thus far. I did end up giving up with the patches as they were causing too much burning and the rash seemed to get worse. The inhalers only work for a short spell.
The pain pills I take make me crave smoking more. I imagine that this would be similar to drinking in a bar, everything makes the urges stronger, especially the more you drink.

As of this moment I have given in and made an appointment with my doctor for monday to pick up some pills that have helped me in the past. I do not qualify for the newest pill, the Chantix, I am told that they would cause a bad reaction to the pain pills that I take.

I am trying to find strength and courage to deal with this battle.
More tomorrow -

Current Events

As of the last few years I have been dealing with some issues, one of those issues is my lower back pain. I have now come to the point where I am able to get fusion surgery.

In order to qualify for surgery, I need to quit smoking.

So for the past few weeks I have been trying to quit. I tried cold turkey approach, failed. Picked up a prescription for the nicotrol inhalers. At first these were working, then failed. So I have decided that I would try cutting back and smoking light cigarettes. This seemed to work for awhile, until my body craved more and more, so I smoked more and more. Feeling pretty upset about my inability to quit smoking I decided to pick up the patch.

So, I got up today and thought that I was doing pretty good, I hadn't had a smoke since one thirty am. I even changed my morning routine as all the 'experts' suggest. I was fine until around twelve thirty when the cravings and withdrawal became pretty intense. The sweating, racing heart, nausea, anxious feeling became so bad that even distractions wouldn't help. I finally gave in and used an nicotine inhaler. If you have never used one, let me be the first to say they are pretty bad, kinda burn your throat and tongue. But, they cut the symptoms down to half. After about another half hour I tried the patch only to notice that a big rash formed under and around the site of where I put the patch. Now I thought, I am screwed. So I moved the patch and so far the rash has stayed minimal.

I wouldn't even think of putting myself through this hell if I weren't planning on having major surgery in three weeks.
I refuse to lie in the hospital for a week going through both the pain and recovery of surgery and going through nicotine withdrawals.

I will be keeping this updated as I continue my journey through the process of becoming smoke free.

Today, Day one. So far it sucks.

Wanna go for a walk?

Picture in your mind with me for just a moment, if you would be so kind.

It is around May of 2000, Having lived in our first house for only a few months, something Dave wanted almost more than anything; a dog. Yes, he said to me one fine day very shortly after moving in, what we need to complete our little family was a dog.

So, off to the shelters we toured, several weekends contemplating about this one or could this happy, hyper one be the dog that we (He) so wanted. Finally, after alot of time and searching for the ideal dog we came across this little girl cowering in the back of the pen in a shelter that we almost didn't stop at due to time constraints. If memory serves, I said "what about this one?" as I was really getting tired of looking, tired of the constant heming and hawing, to be perfectly frank, I wasn't really a hundred percent into this whole idea of getting a dog. Dave replied; " I didn't even notice that there was a dog in there....." thus began what I would like to think God's plan. This little girl had been in the shelter for a while, having been dumped by her previous owners because she was too 'hyper'. At first, she was the most timid, shy, quiet pup, barely looking anyone in the eye, slinking as if we would hurt her.

We were hooked!

This quiet, passive behavior lasted a very short period once we got her home, after a period of testing the waters so to speak, she fully came into her own. She Thrived! Yes, she was very hyper, as are most puppies. She needed some house breaking, and loads of boundaries.

As a matter of fact, she is the only dog that I have ever known to have failed puppy training classes. She just didn't care to learn anything that we wanted, rather, only to appease us she managed a few things, though what ever her heart desired, we pretty much let her do. We definitely paid the price. The cell phones, remotes, anything that wasn't her toys became fodder for her to destroy. As frustrating as some of this was, we loved just about every moment of it. This was my first dog.

Ever since I was a child, thanks in part to my mother, I was borderline terrified of most dogs, this only was reinforced when I was bitten several times. Ellie was there to help show me that not all dogs her size were going to accost me. She became my hero.

When Ellie became part of our family, she entered as a shy, quiet little girl. Upon her exit one would say that she left almost the same.

This was an incredibly difficult thing to deal with, old wounds that were thought to at least have scabbed over were ripped off in a flash. Memories flooding back, the aching in my heart for the life that was leaving for her reward. I prayed fervently for her not too suffer, yet prayed fervently for more time. I wanted her to be around for at least another month, selfishly I wanted to get beyond the one year anniversary of the last two deaths. Though this was not to be.

One night Ellie became very sick, not too unusual considering that she has been progressively getting worse since January when we discovered how sick she really was. In the last month of her life, she aged had about ten years, right before our eyes she went from a very happy, energetic, content disposition to one of wanting to sleep, not wanting the very things that she made sure that we knew would please her. This night, two weeks ago, a Wednesday night, she became very sick, throwing up more than usual, the heart wrenching spasms, the look in her eyes. This night as per usual, she slept with Davey, needless to say that neither managed to get much sleep.

I woke up rather early, not my usual, Dave greeted me and in a very strained, shocked voice told me that it was time to let her go.

The appointment made, now only to sit and wait. I HATE WAITING, hate knowing what was to come, hate not having the ability to tell her what was happening, what was going to happen.

During this long wait, I think that Ellie knew what was going to happen, she licked me in the face a few times, something that she rarely, if ever, did. I lost it.

Finally the time had arrived, off we trudged, the prospect of a car ride was immensely pleasing to her.

She went very quietly, in the space of a couple of heartbeats she was gone. Almost nine years old, I felt like I had failed her in so many ways. I am generally the one who tries to fix things when they go wrong, I couldn't fix this, it had gone horribly wrong. Our hearts were broken, almost inconsolable we were seeing her in her final moments. Thankfully, we have a wonderful doctor whom was there for us in this moment of great need. Though the time was to let her go, we had to leave with out her, this was our little girl, the daughter we wanted, couldn't imagine our lives without. The little girl that has been through so much of which any one of those things could have been her undoing. The Lyme disease, the time she ran away and was hit by a car, and on and on. How do we tell those that loved her so? How do I pick up the pieces and make something good come out of this? How do I comfort Dave who seems to be hit hard by this?
Of those I had no easy answers, everyone knew Ellie, everyone who met her fell for her charm.

Time goes on, as it almost always will, we somehow managed to pick up the some of the pieces. The pain is easing, though not the guilt. We have closure, we brought her ashes home.

I find we hug our remaining dog a little more, a little harder. Spoiling him a bit more. Our other dog has been through this as well, though, I am sure that he doesn't understand. He knew that his sister was getting sick, he saw us take her away and return without her. I believe that he still waits for her to come through the door. In short, he misses her. How does one deal with this?

As for my wounds, these are something that one cannot put a salve on, for the betterment of those around me, I shove all of these emotions deep down. As this has become natural for me to do. Dave and I have become a bit closer, we have decided to wait for a while before we begin to talk about another dog.

We will work hard to keep her memory alive, after all, everywhere we look we see signs of her.

A Winters Day

On a day when the weather outside should be brittle, with the wind blowing, finding every open crevice in your clothes to chill you to the bone. Cold enough to steal the heat right off of your face, make your nose run, fingers go numb. Instead we find the weather tempered, down right warm. With the harsh wind blowing warm air around, tousling your hair, making the dogs' noses twitch with anticipation of something in the air to make them drool. A strong wind to make the bare tree branches rattle like cold, old bones telling their story of the life that they once lived. The sun warming the very ground that you walk on, making the grass try to turn green, the trees bud.

Yet through all of this amazing weather there you stand with deep wounds that refuse to heal over. The call came in with more bad news; we will loose the battle with yet another four legged companion. A companion that has shared your world for the last seven and half years, shared your bed, shared all the highs and lows of those bygone years. Though to look at her one would assume that she hadn't a clue. You see, that is part of her charm. You once again make the comment; "If she were human she would be one of those typical blonde jokes." Alas, her time to care for me, to smile and bounce around whilst at play, to push her cold, leaky nose into your hand, even repeatedly force herself upon you during times of sadness. Her ability to 'sense' your moods. Even the ability to enjoy life from a dream seems all but gone. Now it's our turn to force ourselves upon her, to carry her to the communal bed with her brother and dad, to wipe her leaky nose, leaky mouth. Rub her swollen, achy knees and feet. Our turn to gently force her medicine into her mouth.
Once more, this time has come for you to watch the fall of a companion, one that proved the wisest choice of all at the shelter those years ago. Patiently, anxious, fearful of every cough, groan, snore. Watching as she turns down the food that has comforted her in recent months, feeling helpless, torn. Torn between letting her eat what she wants, not her medical diet. Torn between the need to take over and force her to get better, versus letting her go easily.

Once again I am reminded of the valuable lesson learned earlier this past year; pay attention to whats in front of you, not whats to come.

Good words to say, much more difficult once you have to live them.

So, even though the weather outside is rather warm for the season, no cold, bitter wind to rattle your bones, rather a warm, gentle wind caressing your face, making the bare tree branches clatter together like old bones telling the stories of yesteryear, You are waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop.

You go through all of this whist in the midst of your own troubles, the doctor visits for yourself, the tests. The waiting to see what the proper course of treatment will be. Though, you look, think: I would like to do nothing else but take care of her every moment of every day, though, you know that this would be impractical at best. After all, you are human, she is a dog. Not a child. For you, those words are hollow, empty of the feeling that you seem to crave at this moment. For you, the line between child and pet have blurred to the point where it is virtually indistinguishable. You have long been in the habit of treating those pets as if they were your own children. For you, there is no other way.

If it were not tragic, one might laugh at those emotions that you have, for there are people out there in worse positions, more pain. There are those that you pray for each day that are faced with losing a beloved child from something that cannot easily be put into few words. On a day like this might prove to be a wonderful story to whisper to those beloved children. How the sun shone, the warmth of the day made other children run, jump, skip and play. How you saw dogs frolicking, the laughter of children. Perhaps given them inspiration to get better, comfort them towards the end.

You are angry, saddened, fearful. Angry that this has to happen to such a wonderful creature that seems to be placed in your care by God himself. Saddened you must give this creature back, and fearful that you might have done something to perpetuate this condition, not done enough, or must make that final decision.

So together you and your spouse comfort one another, take out some of those emotions on each other. Share the blessing that might very well turn out to the last months, weeks.

Together you walk in the warm sunshine, feel the wind, listen to the stories of the bone trees.
Cling to one another, find comfort in each other. Share stories of yesteryear. Smile.

07', Year in Review

To start with an immediate review of the last year, personal highs and lows, would be a bit self indulgent. So lets start with a few items that I recall from the world around me.

This may bounce around a bit, my memory has decided to filter items deemed not necessarily important.

We are still in a war that seems to have more casualties than any sort of victories. Personally, I don't care about the war, we might have had good reasons to commence war with another country, However, we are spending more & more money to finance this as well as the human toll this has taken. I realize that we might not be hearing all of the truths with regard to this, though, from what I have seen from other countries with regards to reports and updates on this war, tends to put this war in a dismal light. We as a country need to get our troops home, figure out a way to end or extricate ourselves from this war - safely.
Interestingly enough, on the eve of the start of this war, Dixie Chicks made derogatory comments on a stage in London with regards to this war and our President. Needless to say, they were shunned, banned from radio stations, even had death threats made against them and their families. True, they should not have said those things, especially on foreign soil. However, some of those remarks proved prophetic. Yet, they are still shunned.

Enough, I could ramble on for a bit more, yet will spare ya'll more of the same.

We lost Evel Knievel, Pavarotti, Banazir Bhutto, Dan Fogelberg, Ike Turner, Norman Mailer, Hank Thompson, Kevin Dubrow, Joey Bishop, Leona Helmsley, Tammy Faye Messner, Don Ho... To name a few....

Other events in this year: Minneapolis bridge collapse, several shootings, Al Gore won the peace prize, Smart cars introduced in the United States..... among others.

Interesting how the mind automatically focuses on the negative events of life, it would appear that the news and papers point out these horrors as if they were common occurrences, they filter and sanitize various stories to grab the audience, pull them in, and leaving them wanting more. It is often refreshing to read stories about positive, life affirming things. Alas, these are so few and far between.

This year in my life has been one of growing, pain, happiness, etc etc.. blah blah blah!
Lets cut to the chase, this year pretty much sucked, I try to focus on the positive aspects, wring as much as I can out of those few and far between happy times.

I started this year working in a completely different field, one that would be light years from anything I had ever done prior. I started working in a school, in April, with second graders. This wasn't too bad, actually kind of fun when the politics were not to intense.

This year my back pain ramped up a few more notches. Tried to find alternative options, found out that there really isn't a whole lot anyone can do. The steroid mix injections are failing, the pain pills don't always work. Other meds make me sick. Running around chasing children have exasperated my condition exponentially. I was forced to leave the job at the school partly due to my back and pain levels were getting completely out of control.

In March, we lost my two cats. One had lived with me for almost twenty years, the other about eight. I have never experienced that intense level of grief in my adult life. For the sake of others and my sanity, I did not allow myself to indulge in these feelings, I did what came naturally to me in my life, a lesson learned many years ago; I buried the pain, the mess of emotions.

I have been blessed with many friends this year, good, true people that have blessed me with their friendships.
I have met new people and am happy to be able to call them friends. My friendships from previous years have strengthened and are considered my surrogate family.

My partner and I have celebrated our eleventh year! quite a feat for us. We are sooo the old married couple now! I am enjoying every minute of it.

I am looking forward to a new year, rife with potential. New friends, another year older (gulp!), new possibilities.

A life time ago

Recently, I was emailed several pictures of times long, long gone. Funny how time flies.

I sit and look at those pictures, trying to recall the events, perhaps the mood, or even the emotion of myself at the time.

The truth is, for the most part I cannot.

To me this seems sad and yet pleasing that I cannot recall. Those times are gone, or so I thought.

As I look at those pictures I am reminded of those that have gone on before myself, I feel the grief for some that seems still as fresh as it was then. Granted, for some of those the grief was immature, naive, childish.
For as mature as I was in most ways, I did not understand death nor did I understand that the way that I grew up was definitely not how others lived. I comfort myself with the knowledge that the reason I cannot recall was a blessing of memory or the lack thereof.

Yes, surviving my childhood was a miracle. One that I try not too take for granted too often, I may not be the most active person, the most outgoing, nor the most happiest person in all the world. There are, however, others that were and are in worse shape than I was and am in. One fact that certainly does not escape me on a daily basis.

Lately, certain events in my life have forced me to replay parts of my life, wondering if perhaps that I made the correct choices, chosen the paths that I did. You know what? I realized that yes, for me, those where the choices that needed to be made at the time. I have no real regrets. I guess my only real regret would be a conflicted one that I have had for a few years now...... my choice not to have children.

I think that I have made the correct choice..... though the conflict continues.

It's funny how a scare can force you to look at things.... wonder if your ready to move on from this life. Perhaps ready to atone for those choices, make peace with this life.
Yes, I recently had a big cancer scare...... funny, it doesn't look so scary once it's out there, while the process and speed in which things happen certainly tend to be scary. I think that I am ready for what ever God has in store for me. My only real worry would be for those that I leave behind, mainly my partner. I believe that scares me the most, leaving them alone to go through the loss. That almost sounds conceited doesn't it? I worry not for me only those left in the wake of the mess that I may make. This sounds funny, I would, on the one hand rather that he goes before me so that I can spare him the pain, while on the other hand, I want him to outlive me so that I wouldn't have to face this world with out me.

When I was a teenager I used to say that they would have to take me out kicking and screaming... well, I am not so sure that would be true any further. Perhaps there would be some sort of bargaining on my part, some arguing. I think though, in the end, I would take the hand held out to me and take that final walk.

It is interesting that I now, because of my work, I recall those times as a teenager. One of the biggest things that I used to say was I would never become an adult or at the very least, talk like one. When did I become the very thing I didn't want to? and why am I so complacent about these things? I have come to realize that even though I don't necessarily feel grown up, I certainly act like one sometimes.

Thank you for letting me vent - sometimes it is easier to think when you spill it all out there in a semi private forum.

Gays and the media, Gay marriage, Part I

Lately there have been lots of media coverage with regards to politicians arrested for "misconducts" in the mens restrooms.

Generally, in my reading and opinions, these are the very individuals that are screaming the loudest with regards to banning gay marriage, civil unions. These are the very people that are the biggest discriminators against the gay community, yet the number of arrests for lewd acts or propositioning under cover cops in public bathrooms. These politicians want to ignore the fact that unless homosexual individuals go out of their way to ensure that their wishes are granted, partner visiting them in the hospital, make medical emergency decisions, file their partners taxes, ensure that their estate goes to the surviving partner etc. Those wishes go unheeded and either the state collects the entire estate (as is generally the rule) or to the next of kin whomever that might be.

Never mind the increased penalties and taxes that surviving partners pay on an estate from the deceased. The state and federal collect huge sums of money from these estates. Sometimes as much as eighteen to twenty percent in some cases.

Now, correct me if I am incorrect, shouldn't these folks tread lightly and talk even softer?

This whole federal and state ban on gay marriages and or civil unions are about thirty years too late, meaning: these folks have no business trying to force their opinions on us as well as making these unions illegal both at federal and state level. If anything both (state, federal) need to stay out of this or find another solution for the gay community to get the rights that they are entitled to and yet are denied.

Yes, I will concede that there are quite a few folks out there who, in all honesty, think that gays should be second class citizens, there are more individuals out there that think that all gays should be killed on sight - their excuse? God wants it that way......... hhhhmmmmmm, wonder if he told them that personally ....... I would have to assume that they are completely with out sin, never lied, stolen, ate shell fish, swore, etc etc etc.
While still, there are a growing number of individuals that accept gays for who they are but do not agree with these unions...... it impacts their marriage....... somehow.

After reading, chatting with folks from a wide range of opinions, I come away from this both more confused and yet almost scared at the hatred that flows from some of these individuals.

I think that I am starting to understand most everyones point of view with regards to these matters..... however, no one will tell me exactly how it will impact their marriages, day to day lives, their work or their families. (unless someone in their family is a homosexual). To this day, I have not had an answer other than it's against God, the bible says that it is an abomination.

It never seems to amaze me what people are capable of. Those that use the bible as a shield, make partial quotes that fit their argument, lament when they are asked to explain in further detail or even suggest that they might be incorrect.
To those that quote the bible as if it has been handed directly to them from God himself, they almost never stray from their stance. Will not listen to another argument, side, whatever. As if they had blinders on - similar to those that the horses wear while on the public streets so that they won't be spooked. These folks need to WAKE up, listen for a change. Perhaps someone might have a valid point without hiding behind their bibles.

More on this later.

Dogs among us

Today there is an article with regards to yet another Pitt Bull attack.

While these stories tend to put fear into the hearts and minds of those that either are ignorant or extremely prejudiced, Everyone needs to stop, take a look at the animals that are among those that are considered dangerous.

Pitt Bulls are the street names - Staffordshire Terrier is the actual name. While these dogs are protectors, strong, and often stubborn, they, in the proper hands, make a wonderful pet.

Now, I have been told many times that I should have my boy destroyed simply because someone has fears that are based partly upon fear and partly upon prejudice. Yes, my boy bit another dog when he was eight months old, no denying the fact. Though the fact of the matter it was a scratch and we paid all the vet bills - something like seventy five dollars to have an emergency appointment plus iodine flush, all the while I was paying the bill the vet, tech and receptionist kept telling me that I was an idiot for having this dog, if they had their way I should be sued and the dog destroyed. All because another dog came up, jumped on me while I was holding my dog in my arms. I told those people where they could shove their opinion and if they wanted to sue me - bring it on.

Prior to that though, people at that particular park watched my boy grow from a eight week old puppy to a nine month old boy - yes he grew large and to some, looked scary. Such was the prejudice that when we would show up, my other dog (shepard mix) and my boy people would grab their children and dogs and leave. What a nice reception for a couple of puppies.

THIS IS THE ATTITUDE that I am referring to, people see these types of dogs and flee.
Not all people do this though, they are either true animal lovers, people whom are not afraid or those that generally have no preconception either way. Then we get to those bastards that breed and fight these poor dogs. These are the dogs that need to be put down, while their owners rot in prison for animal abuse, neglect among other things.
I have absolutely no patients or sympathy for those bastards out there that mistreat, abuse, fight or whatever ill will towards animals. They are the ones that tie up their dogs out side all year long, beat them when they bark, let their cats run around terrorizing the neighborhood and yell and scream when their animal get hit by a car or gets taken away by the spca people. These people, doesn't matter whether its male, female, white black or other there are just as many out there to pick up the tethers when one gets hauled off to jail for abusing their animals.

People need to wake up, do their research about a specific breed the potential risks inherent with that particular breed and make a sound desicion based upon the desires of their families and what will fit in best with them.

Yes, those animals that were fought should be humanly put down, those animals that are mean whether it be a Poodle or a GreatDane - doesn't matter, if they cannot be rehabilitated then they need to be humanely put down. There are far too many dogs that are readopted out to families or given away with no history or very little information about where they came from.
The public needs to stop buying animals from puppy mills, go to the local shelter, rescue a dog or cat or whatever. Any animal that you choose to bring into your home, you assume the risks.
Just like you assume the vet bills for checkups, you should also assume that there might be a dog bite or two in the future.

Lessons Learned

There are many lessons in this life that need to be learned. How one goes about this, seems entirely arbitrary. In my life I have always taken the road less traveled. Lessons in life have always come to be difficult.
It pains me when I see others going in the same direction that I went through and not able to help with knowledge that I have obtained.
One of the most obvious lessons that I have learned in my long life: One is not always as strong as they think they are. Why does it always have to be one person in the family that everyone else turns to either in times of tragedy, for advice, money, or for what ever.... I have a love hate relationship with this role. While being needed can seem nice, even wonderful at times, there will always be a price for this. That price, I have found, Tends to be steep. As a result, I now have very strained relationships with what's left of my family. I no longer talk to my mother, though the latter will rarely trouble me.
I say rarely if only for one reason: sometimes I miss the thought of having a mother. The Song by Kellie Pickler: I wonder, seems to tap into this reserve of misery that I cannot seem to shed no matter how far I try to bury it. (Make the song about a boy, rather than a girl.)

Another lesson that I learned the hard way: God always provides unto us what we need. Nothing more, nothing less. Sure we would like to have more, some pray for relief, while others pray for various other reasons. Every one, whether we like it or not, have lessons to be learned in this life. God always makes sure that we learn what we need to, when we need to. I am a stubborn person, impatient would be an understatement at times in my life. I generally take charge when I see that no one either can or willing.
Patience will always be something that I will need to work on, I truly believe that God gave me this last job to teach me patience, acceptance and to remind me that things are not as bad nor as hopeless as we may think.

Keep your hearts & minds open - there's probably someone willing to teach you something that they have already learned. After all, you do not need to recreate the wheel.

Always Leave things/something better than you found it.